- [Enter living room] Why is the carpet so dark?
- [first look at fish tank] Oh... My... God...
- [paces in panic] Do I save the fish? Do I save the carpet... no no carpet's old? Ew, it's going to mold. Save the fish! Save the Fish! There are three other tanks: the top tank, the baby tank and the bottom tank. Net the fish and put them in the baby tank. Oh no, the big, black molly is going to eat all the babies in the baby tank. Retrieve molly. Retrieve Molly. Molly is fast. Put Molly in which tank? Top tank? No, big fish will eat molly. Will anything in the bottom tank eat the molly? Will the gentleman friend miss the molly? How much do mollies cost? How long can fish breathe out of water? Put molly in bottom tank. Towels, I need more towels. Do I own more towels? Geez, I have crappy towels. Tell the cousin, who lives downstairs, to evacuate his treasures from his living room. Water travels down. I cannot account for all 55 gallons in my carpet. Is he home? Get more towels, check outside; I hear dogs barking. Stick fans, stick fans...how many fans do we have in the house? I have to tell the gentleman friend. Email! Email!
- Kill the gentleman friend... ki-i-ill him. I am totally going to keep the 32 inch TV.
- [By now totally demoralized] how am I going to get all this water up?
- [phone rings; it's brother] No, I did, in fact, not know that cousin's apartment was trashed. How did brother know this? Of course, my mother had already called him but who told her? Ah, cousin called her. But how did he not know before now. He had probably just gotten home when I warned him. I must have looked like a crazy person tearing towels off the clothes line in my pink underwear and taekwondo tee. Go downstairs, assess the carnage. First, find pants.
- Ki-i-ill .... kill dead.
- [goes to bed] Ki-i-ll.... ki-i-ill.
- [wakes up] It really did happen; my living room is still a swamp. Why did I just have a dream about waiting tables?
- [parents arrive to assess damage] relief. Dad and Anthony are taking care of the tank. I'm taking care of the carpet. We have a plan. Email the gentleman friend and call off the hit on him.
Ha Ha, without really meaning to all of my friends and family have been feeding me lines, both designed to reassure and cheer me, to tell my gentleman friend about why he is missing 55 gallons of fish. These are the best of the best of the best...
The fish. Weren't they with you?
You see, gentleman friend, the fish tanks were like Iraq; a big problem from the start because it was based on lies. You said there would be only one tank and soon there were four. It then became a resource drain and worse it broke down relations with our co-inhabitants. So we had to pull out. It's over, man, over.
There was this sudden flash tornado. Sucked up the fish.
It was a flood. Took everything.
It wasn't me, it was...
...your crappy water pump rig.
...a burglar. Only after fish. It's actually quite common.
The Fish are off to...
... fish boarding school.
... to pursue t.b research.
...hang out with your dad.
...heaven, with the angels and your knife fish.
...be eaten by bigger fish
Catholic Martyr Excuse
It's not fair that you went away to do research and left me with all your things! *follow closely with tears*