Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sometimes, I manage to forget how quickly time passes. I'm not going to reset the counter on my weight loss journey; all of this was part of the process that led me here. Although I am going to ditch the name Fat Blog.
It's been a year and three months since my last post. This journey has evolved from the vain and ultimately unattainable to where I am today. I graduated from yoga teacher training (TT) , my eleven year relationship ended and I applied to the Peace Corps.
For my entire life, I've struggled with food and body image. I had eating disorders. Chronicled in this very blog is the mindset that I have had (although on the healthier end) since I was a teenager. Days fell into categories, pass or fail, good or bad, under calorie goal or over. Not disclosed in these posts were that I was also vomiting and not noticing the pattern I was stuck in. AT my highest weight, 190, I was unhappy and sure that if I reached 140 I'd be happy. At 140, I was unhappy and sure that if I achieved definition in my abs I'd be happy.
Today I'm happy. I weigh approximately 148 lbs. The change I made was internal. In August 2009, I started volunteering at a yoga studio near my home. I developed a personal practice. Learning to connect my breathing to the movement of my body gave me an awareness of myself that I'd never experienced. Even in my most rigid and inflexible mental state, Yoga managed to move me. I eventually developed the ability and knowledge to observe how I was coming across to others, my behavior AND the emotional responses (or disconnections) that my behavior triggered. I developed self awareness.
It was awful. I hated it and I longed for the days when I could abuse myself or others and continue on my way. Now that I could notice, I did and I didn't want to. I began to become aware of all the pain I caused others, and the opportunities that I was missing while my mind was spinning in circles and obsessing over the mathematics of weight loss. I started to understand that it wasn't always all about me, and when it was about me it wasn't about anyone else. Relationships in my life, foods I ate, activities and other parts of my life were choices that I had some but not total control over, and furthermore, I didn't need total control. Adventure happens when things stop going as planned.
People can and do change, but they don't much appreciate being told they should; they also deserve to be loved and accepted for where and who they are. Two people that love each other aren't necessarily meant to be in each others' lives. Every person I meet brings out a unique dimension of my personality; my spirit is happiest when it's free to move through life whimsically and without fear of judgment. Others prefer the cozy of routine. We all want to be accepted, safe and free from pain and suffering.
I welcome change. I also crave familiarity. I'm at a juncture in my life where I'm being taught the valuable lessons of generosity, patience, letting go and how to fully receive opportunities, while I can.
Currently, I am on Day 2 of the Master Cleanse. I am using this 10-Day lemonade fast to reset my system, flush out my body and break some poor lifestyle habits. I have never fasted for an entire day. Yesterday I did. I feel mostly free from the pressure of food. Of course, this is simple to feel when I am locked up in my house with projects on my days off. Tomorrow, work will be a new challenge (I work in a restaurant with delicious food). I also feel flighty, slightly weak and, at times, nauseous. These sensations, like everything else, will pass and I can eventually return to eating whole, nutritious foods. I have had only two strong cravings, one was for rolls golds pretzels and the other was for Veggie Sticks (the potato chip kind, not the raw veggies kind).
It's not comfortable breaking patterns, or easy. I'm enjoying the process!