Chro-Nicoles

Day 1290

2011-07-26T15:15:00.005-04:00

<-- posing for the camera at the Hibachi celebration of Noreen's Birth and the last day of my cleanse.

I've run into a lot of people in the last 30 days who have asked me to blog about my experience with the Master Cleanse and after. I've gotten a lot of generous compliments on the condition of my skin, my obvious weight loss and others have remarked that I seem, "happy", however they define that.

I feel happy, whatever that means for me. I'm very pleased with the results of the cleanse and feel that I gained a lot of valuable information and clarity from the experience. I lost 10 lbs and, despite warnings on websites that coming off the cleanse would mean weight gain, I am continuing to lose weight, 2 more lbs over the last 2+ weeks.

Weight loss was not the goal but it has certainly been one of the results. The major goal was to break some compulsive binge eating and free myself from the pressure and guilt of food related behavior patterns that I have had since I was a child. I also wanted to reset my system and give myself an opportunity to eat clean, from a fresh start.

I have been toying with the idea of a cleanse since March. During the winter I had developed reoccurring cravings for sausage gravy and buttermilk biscuits, eggs, cheese and bacon. All of these greasy spoon delicacies and their various delicious combination are available to me at my job. Cosmic Omelet knows their way around eggs, cheese, bacon and sausage gravy... oh, and let's not forget sugary baked goods like fresh, homemade pumpkin bread, banana bread and zucchini bread that all can be made into French Toast. Oh yeah, and handmade cinnamon buns... I digress.

I had plenty of temptation and my strategy for the winter was to cave to all of it, over and over. I felt awful and I was lethargic most of the time. So, a week before the West Hartford Yoga Teacher Training graduation weekend, I was hit with a strong urge to do a cleanse. I wanted to do it. I wanted to stick to it. I was ready to make a change and a felt really confident about it. I did research online and most sites recommended that before fasting I give my body a three day ease-in period and a three day ease-out period. I decided that I would ease in during teacher training, three days of intense power yoga and hours of lecture and physical activities. It would be a worthy distraction that I was sure that I would need.

Pre-Day 1:
I ate only fruits and vegetables. I practiced 2.5 hours of power yoga and it was one of the strongest practices that I could remember in terms of my personal performance. I expected to be weak and miserable, I was neither. I was slightly more flexible and connected. In our final Metta meditation it was the first time I was not distracted by what I was going to have for dinner. The answer was, not anything I really want. So, I didn't spend a lot of time anticipating it. It was incredible that I let it go and did not sit there struggling with whether to buy a cookie or something to reward myself for making it through a difficult practice on only fruits and veggies. My reward that I truly wanted was to lose old, bad habits.

Pre Day 2: Fruit and veggie juices and soup broths. I did not notice a big change from Day 1. I practiced a 2.5 power yoga class and participated in my teacher training.

Pre-Day 3: Orange Juice only. I began to notice pangs of hunger that kept coming and going. I would drink juice to keep them at bay and they would come back about 40 minutes later. I had a glass of juice before my 2.5 hour power practice. About an hour or so in, I was asked to go into pigeon on my right side. I felt some strong sensation in my hip and felt pangs of hunger creep in. The hunger distracted me long enough to convince me that I was unable to do pigeon at that moment. It hurt, I was uncomfortable, I was going to fail. I crouched in child's pose to let it all pass; my eyes filled filled with tears and I started weeping audibly. I've had this kind of release before but it usually only lasts a second and it comes after I torture myself for quite some time with unreasonable pressure or indulge in negative dialogues about my ability to show love or receive it. This was different, it came without warning and lasted for almost 10 minutes.

I began DAY 1 the Master Cleanse. It was a 10 day liquid fast with laxatives and salt water flushes. The first day was slightly unhappy because I was struggling to like the lemonade mixture of maple syrup, lemon, water and cayenne pepper. I know, it sounds delicious; clearly something is wrong with me. I took ONE herbal laxative in the morning (I followed the instructions to ease into the appropriate dosage). One laxative had NO affect on me. This day I only had five of the recommended 8 glasses of lemonade. I went to bed with only about 800 liquid calories and I painted a room.

What began to alarm me was that I began to be proud that I could suppress my hunger, lose weight and stick to such a radical diet change. It wasn't a healthy pride of confidence it was the temptation to throw moderation to the wind and make a lifestyle of suppressing and denying food cravings. On Day 2 I was able to drink 8 glasses of lemonade, but it was a struggle. I was moving in a new roommate (lot of up and down, carrying boxes and we painted a huge room). I went to Whole Foods and allowed myself a small herbal tea while I picked up dinner for the worker bees at the house. I actually spent a fair amount of time looking at food without the temptation to eat it. I was noticing colors, enjoying the various smells and liking the act of shopping without obsessing over menu choices. I chose dinners for my friends based on a mix of what I would have chosen to eat and what I knew about their own dietary habits. I enjoyed picking out their dinners. It was a cool experience.

For days I had been dreading Days 3 + 4, these were days I would be at work, surrounded by a lot of my favorite foods and my coworkers, who are all truly enthusiastic foodies. I would also be plagued by the habit of eating. Luckily, my boss had recently put a policy limiting food consumption on the clock. This helped me immensely; before it had been a compulsice free for all of snacking. When I was not ordering food, my co-workers were and I was sampling theirs in addition to eating my own meal. I was also still sitting with the dark temptation of keeping myself hungry on purpose. I made the decision that on work days I would drink orange juice. I like orange juice and it felt a little more like normal. OJ is something I like to have on the clock. So be it. OJ. At 3:00 on Day 3 I showed up for my shift at West Hartford Yoga, after running around waiting tables since 7:00 am, and I couldn't keep my eyes open and was suddenly hit with mild nausea. Luckily, my fellow Yogi, Lindsay, was able to come in early and send me home. By 4:00 I was in bed and I didn't wake up until 9:00 pm. I just closed my eyes and slept until the next day.

Days 5-9 were a lot of the same. My energy had stabilized with the OJ compromise. I was alternating OJ with the more alkaline mixture of the lemonade. I also found that I liked limes better than lemons and the web told me this was an acceptable modification. I took the salt water flush five times in 10 days; I did the flush at night when I was in for the night. In the morning I took laxatives and three turned out to be the magic number. It was pretty gross and fascinating, and effective. By Day 9 I was getting strong momentary flashes of "OK, enough already. I'm ready to eat" but I never broke my fast. I had dreams that I was eating sandwiches and donuts and I was experiencing the guilt of breaking my fast. The dialogue would eventually lead to, I knew I could never do this and I would wake up. I'd need a minute to shake off residual feelings of failure and then I'd smile and think, yes, those make-believe donuts were delicious. I should have had more.

I tell ya, I have never been more productive that I was in these 10 days. I helped move in a new room-mate, we collectively primed and painted three rooms (one monster room), I finished nearly all of my book reviews, I finished my class critiques and I journaled my experience. In addition to all of this I laid the ground work to put myself out there to teach Yoga. I drafted my resume and spent a lot of my cleanse days driving around networking with club managers, studio owners and Board of Ed members. I was totally un-like myself. I managed my time down to the minute, and sometimes those minutes were spent in planned nap time. It still hasn't worn off. I am more productive than I have ever been in my life.

I think there are several reasons for that. The major one was that I would spend a lot of time eating out in social meetings. On my four weekdays off I would often call friends and meet them over breakfast, lunch or dinner. Mealtimes would be between 2-3 hours for me. Without food, I had between 4-7 hours per day to fill. I needed lots of distractions and I found them. Just as I was coming off the cleanse, I celebrated my friends birthday on the final day at a hibachi restaurant in Avon. Everyone around me had rice, noodles, prime rib and other deliciousness. I was satisfied with the smells, company, my clear broth mushroom soup and stir fried veggies.

As I was coming off my cleanse my body would send me clear messages if I messed up and chose the wrong foods. I'm still losing weight. I am not drinking fruit juices, except the occasional OJ for an energy boost at work. I don't eat a lot of processed breads, No dairy, No sugar. I am making creamy tahini dressing like it's my job. I am eating tons of fresh vegetables, fruits, fish and lean meats. I feel better and look better than I ever have.

I don't know if it's a combination of feeling good and showing up with confidence as a result, but I have also been hired to teach more yoga than I can fit into my schedule. Offers from my time spent networking continued to pour in and starting in August I will be teaching three regular classes per week. In the last week of September two adult ed programs hired me to teach an 8 week Introduction to Power Yoga series that I developed and proposed to them. I am negotiating an incredible project that may or may not also happen in September and Capital Community College wants to hire me in the spring for their adult ed program. We're talking about scheduling a preview class for the fall.

The hope that I could choose to teach Yoga full time became a reality. Of course, I don't want to teach yoga full time. I want to stay on and continue to support the great, local restaurant that supported me during my transitional journey until I potentially leave next summer to teach yoga overseas. Nothing can be certain, or so I am led to believe. Yes, I was also accepted into the Peace Corps and am waiting on my assignment. Instead of sitting back and waiting, I'm learning Spanish and am scheduled to test into eligibility to go to Latin America, which is where I desperately want to be placed.

I've been smiling like a muppet for weeks, because of everything I have described above, 6 months of intensive, thorough training from West Hartford Yoga and I'm deliriously happy. I am truly grateful for the support, patience and care that I have been receiving from a new relationship that continues to teach me about letting go and acceptance. I am viewing the next year of my life with great anticipation, ease and joy. I set myself up to be here, and while much of it might be the universe unfolding as it should, I'm also incredibly proud of my own personal progress and practice of Yes.

Day 1260

2011-06-28T13:25:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, I manage to forget how quickly time passes. I'm not going to reset the counter on my weight loss journey; all of this was part of the process that led me here. Although I am going to ditch the name Fat Blog.

It's been a year and three months since my last post. This journey has evolved from the vain and ultimately unattainable to where I am today. I graduated from yoga teacher training (TT) , my eleven year relationship ended and I applied to the Peace Corps.

For my entire life, I've struggled with food and body image. I had eating disorders. Chronicled in this very blog is the mindset that I have had (although on the healthier end) since I was a teenager. Days fell into categories, pass or fail, good or bad, under calorie goal or over. Not disclosed in these posts were that I was also vomiting and not noticing the pattern I was stuck in. AT my highest weight, 190, I was unhappy and sure that if I reached 140 I'd be happy. At 140, I was unhappy and sure that if I achieved definition in my abs I'd be happy.

Today I'm happy. I weigh approximately 148 lbs. The change I made was internal. In August 2009, I started volunteering at a yoga studio near my home. I developed a personal practice. Learning to connect my breathing to the movement of my body gave me an awareness of myself that I'd never experienced. Even in my most rigid and inflexible mental state, Yoga managed to move me. I eventually developed the ability and knowledge to observe how I was coming across to others, my behavior AND the emotional responses (or disconnections) that my behavior triggered. I developed self awareness.

It was awful. I hated it and I longed for the days when I could abuse myself or others and continue on my way. Now that I could notice, I did and I didn't want to. I began to become aware of all the pain I caused others, and the opportunities that I was missing while my mind was spinning in circles and obsessing over the mathematics of weight loss. I started to understand that it wasn't always all about me, and when it was about me it wasn't about anyone else. Relationships in my life, foods I ate, activities and other parts of my life were choices that I had some but not total control over, and furthermore, I didn't need total control. Adventure happens when things stop going as planned.

People can and do change, but they don't much appreciate being told they should; they also deserve to be loved and accepted for where and who they are. Two people that love each other aren't necessarily meant to be in each others' lives. Every person I meet brings out a unique dimension of my personality; my spirit is happiest when it's free to move through life whimsically and without fear of judgment. Others prefer the cozy of routine. We all want to be accepted, safe and free from pain and suffering.

I welcome change. I also crave familiarity. I'm at a juncture in my life where I'm being taught the valuable lessons of generosity, patience, letting go and how to fully receive opportunities, while I can.

Currently, I am on Day 2 of the Master Cleanse. I am using this 10-Day lemonade fast to reset my system, flush out my body and break some poor lifestyle habits. I have never fasted for an entire day. Yesterday I did. I feel mostly free from the pressure of food. Of course, this is simple to feel when I am locked up in my house with projects on my days off. Tomorrow, work will be a new challenge (I work in a restaurant with delicious food). I also feel flighty, slightly weak and, at times, nauseous. These sensations, like everything else, will pass and I can eventually return to eating whole, nutritious foods. I have had only two strong cravings, one was for rolls golds pretzels and the other was for Veggie Sticks (the potato chip kind, not the raw veggies kind).

It's not comfortable breaking patterns, or easy. I'm enjoying the process!

Fat Blog- Day 804

2010-03-28T23:10:00.001-04:00

I've been writing a lot lately, not much of which I am willing to share. I find that humor is an excellent way to avoid revealing anything substantial and I also find that joking about humor being an excellent way to avoid revealing anything substantial is an effective way to reveal something substantial, more tactfully. Anyways, the struggle continues on the path to betterment...

Anyways, my healing process continues with a rigorous appetite of my heart's major food groups: fun, acceptance and Nutella. I've had some serious moments over the past few months where I was concerned about how I was perceiving my body and how clothing feels on it. There were a few times I felt less than beautiful. I have only vaguely snapped out of it and hope that soon-soon-soon-soon-soon my garden, friends, springtime and fresh, healthy cooking will move me forward.

On Tuesday, I am cookin'. On the menu (all homemade) is whole wheat pita bread, cilantro hummus, Falafel and Quinoa Tabbouleh. I mean, we're talking let the dough rise and blend the flavored hummus, homemade. I am excited to cook, but more excited to share it. It seems a waste to cook gourmet meals for a solitary chick with body image issues who would rather lick Nutella out of the jar anyways.

O... M... G, as I have aforementioned, I have discovered Nutella. I wish I hadn't, but alas, Nutella and I have a thing. I just can't have that filthy whore in the house. It's disgusting, except that it's not disgusting, it's delicious. It is disgusting, how delicious it is. I'm a sick, sick woman. I hate that I love Nutella. I love Nutella so much that I taught my spell checker to spell Nutella... like a legit word.

Seriously, I can't bitch. I lost another eight pounds since the beginning of the year. I am getting a bit off track lately but I will kick the dairy habit because it literally makes me sick. Doesn't stop me from eating it, but it will now, because it's time to get ab definition and get my squishy ass into an unsupported hand stand. I know, that's ego talking... but handstands are soooo hot! I want to do scorpion. I want scorpion like I want Nutella... spread thick on warm toast.

Fat Blog- Day 686 (Thanksgiving reflections of a fat kid with major compulsion issues)

2009-11-30T19:46:00.004-05:00

How was my holiday, you ask. Well, I ate so much on Thursday afternoon that my clothing hurt me. Later that evening I went back in for 2nd Thanksgiving and ate so much that I lapsed into a coma for the greater part of the evening; only to wake to more pie and a round of scotch. In between the spurts of gluttony was, gratefully, a fuck-load of family. I spent the entire weekend surrounded by the only people that I can count on to be free of judgment... but full of suggestions, recommendations and guilt, lots of guilt. Somehow though, it's fine. Everything is fine with a dollop of cool whip. Except when your brother gets lazy and buys Guida's whipped cream at the corner gas station instead of driving the extra half a mile to the grocery store for cool whip. Yet, that too, was fine...after the initial panic and empty homicidal threats

Truth be told, I don't much like turkey or stuffing or mashed potatoes or cranberry sauce or ham... especially not ham. My problem is gravy. Gravy is a worthy food foe to contend with because it's not acceptable or, more importantly, satisfying to sit down to the holiday table with a bowl of gravy. I need something to put my gravy on...something that would be lack luster without it... oh, how about a little bit of everything. Or a lot of everything... yeah, that sounds about right, hold the broccoli... it will destroy my gravy with that horrible broccoli taste. Even if by some miracle, of whatever diety that's responsible for such things, I was able to pass on the gravy, and it's various accessories, I'd be done in by coffee and pie. I can eat coffee and pie at any time, anywhere, before or after/or before and after my main course. Issues with mixing sweet and savory? I have no such aversion... unfortunately. I have no pie shut off mechanism and am wondering where I can get one installed. If pie needs me, I'm there.

I'm reflecting on my holiday choices (as the note title suggests) as I sip my low sodium V8 with a splash of sriracha hot chili sauce that tastes vaguely like shame and self loathing. I'm devising a plan about how I will avoid the fried on food addiction feeling next time. I am thinking about how last time I thought I'd devised a plan and this time I did too and how next time I will probably disregard it as I have this and last time. I am thinking that the previous sentence probably makes sense in some language... and maybe this one too. I am thinking a lot and not doing enough. I often wonder if acknowledging that I am insane makes me not insane at all but instead practical and self aware. I wonder if the "doing" part is not just exhausting, frustrating and over-rated as I have a sneaking suspicion that it may be and has been. I guess not wondering at all but hoping...because there is no sign of doing.

Due to the urging of several friends, I will be trying my hand at spinning... with the assumption that it is the same thing as cycling, which is offered at the second gym I am a member at but do not go to. I could also swim more, there is a pool at the first gym I am a member at but do not go to. The Tae Kwon Do studio, where I train, is where I should be now, instead of blogging about possible sanity and holiday consumption patterns. My Tae Kwon Do hooky playing will be followed immediately by me trying to talk myself out of a trip to Target for laundry detergent, kitty litter and lip balm. I will talk myself out of Target the same way I talked myself out of 7:00 am Hot Yoga, 9:30 am Yoga and the same way I talked myself out of Yoga last night. I am very persuasive because the alternative is frying up some leftover stuffing and topping it with a couple of over-medium eggs, it has a similar consistency to the gravy that donned my stuffing this weekend... over and over and over and over again. Mmmmmmmmm, V8 with sriracha hot chili sauce....yum.

So, in other words Day 686 is not much different that Days 29, 413 and 1. Food still is and will always be a struggle. Healthy lifestyles are somewhat relative in this country and I am sure mine is better than others' but by my own standards, which are impossible, I'm still not where I want to be. Luckily, I've been given another goal to buckle down for. I was notified that I will be testing for my black belt in May. I will achieve one of my major martial arts milestones just shy of a month before my four year anniversary of training at Ziwak's. I would like to lose 10 pounds and focus on my endurance for the next six months. The black belt test is a worthy test of both physical and mental toughness. The test lasts 6-8 hours and the material covered is, well, everything... everything I have been practicing for four years. I feel confidant about how I have trained but unsure that I will be able to translate that confidence into an acceptable cardio performance. I am confidant that I can explain the mechanics of a roundhouse kick but uncertain how sharp my jumping roundhouse kick will be after three hours of anxious, grueling cardio. I'll be leaving it on the floor with many of the beautiful friends that I have trained with over the years. The fat kid, the drama club nerd, the chronic team player that never wanted to be held accountable to star standards... is going to have to spend the next six months being a bit more conscious of what she shovels into her body.

Fat Blog- Day 615

2009-09-05T12:38:00.002-04:00

Hello, team. I recognize that I have been slacking on the blogging front. Hardcore slacking, it's sort of what I do. My schedule is gloriously jam packed with martial arts, yoga, various volunteer projects and cash-money making.

I've been taking a little time these days to look forward to autumn. These past few days have brought me the chilly mornings that made me dread shedding my pajamas. The window fan blows cold into unfortunate places.

Looking back on the past two months, I'm generally pleased with where I have come and the direction I am heading. Mentally and physically, I am in a strong and peaceful place. I've put myself on an ambitious schedule of 4-5 days of hot and power yoga mixed with 3-4 days of martial arts. Serving adds some major mileage as well. I'm more active than I have ever been.
In four short weeks, my waist has shrunk and my abs are carving out some definition. Yay, abs! Go, fight, win!

On the food front, the restaurant schedule has made late night eating hard to avoid. I've also been eating more than I really want. Self, take a memo: eat more veggies. The vegan detox went well. I came back to eggs in late July after a month of strict veganism. The dairy has been limited after a Dairy Queen Digestive disaster and a month of Olive Garden butter sauces. I really just feel better without cheese or milk. Self, take a memo: buy more hummus.

I have taken on volunteer tutoring at an English as a second language tutoring center in New Britain. I am excited about meeting new people and continuing to language-exchange. My Es-Spanish is coming along through the help of my lovely Peruvian ladies at the Olive Garden. I have begun my Yoga work study at West Hartford Yoga and have been diligently trying to make it to classes with all the different instructors. I am planning on attending an information session on instructor training. I feel very drawn to Yoga and Martial Arts instruction as my next steps.

Yoga has pushed me through a rut in my martial arts training. It has provided noticeable improvement in my flexibility and has me excited to be awake at 6:00 am every morning. My gardens are yielding fresh veggies and herbs. So, my goal for the next few weeks is to be more disciplined and varied with my diet. I have been jumping up and down between 156-158 pounds which is ten pounds less than mid-June when my life hanged direction, however I would like to get down to 150 before autumn is over. Overall, I feel comfortable with my body and pleased with how my clothes feel on it. I've been pondering the possibility of a Capoiera class. But I don't know where I would fit it in!

I am on my way out of corporate servitude! With the help of a good word from the most awesome breakfast-joint-proprietress ever, I landed a part time job at The Main Pub, a local joint in Manchester. Thanks, Tracy! Everyone from OG who misses me should feel free to visit the Cosmic Omelet, on Hartford Road in Manchester.

Fat Blog- Day 572

2009-07-24T13:14:00.003-04:00

I've been slacking blogger-ifically.

A little over one month ago I made the decision to leave my job with my Union. I had decided that I needed more joy in my life and that organizing was not providing that joy. There were times of pride and excitement for me in the work, however the great majority of time was stressful and exhausting. Cancer robbed us of a solid mentor and leader; I felt her absence in a very genuine and painful way. After her death, I never re-connected with the fight and have never felt such a grand sense of loss.

Since leaving the Union, I have not one time regretted it. Strong people around me helped me come to the right decision for my life in an personal, professional and respectful way. With the maturity I developed through the work; I have been fulfilled by every minute of my life since my departure. My greatest fear was, that by leaving the Union, my life would have no greater meaning and that I would have nothing to contribute to our world in any sort of constructive way. My greatest fear, as usual, was wrong.

I have found more rewards and have been more drawn to assisting with martial arts instruction, at the school where I am a student. I have been investing more time in my own health and training. I'm reading, gardening and thinking carefully and thoughtfully about my next steps. The next year of my life will include U.S travel, writing and catching up with myself and my family/friends.

I've also hopped back in to the restaurant saddle. I am working at a fantastic, local breakfast joint. The owner, staff and patrons are a welcome breath of decent, hard working folk. My part time gig at a corporate restaurant, that shall not be named, has been a very, very, VERY mixed bag. I finally feel in control of my life, time and energy.

I have fine-tuned my vegan-ism into a very "Nicole" dietary lifestyle. I allow myself eggs and will avoid dairy (although I will not pain myself about traces of milk or dairy in products). I can't stand to turn down hospitality, inconvenience anyone with my food choices or see food wasted therefore I will eat food that will otherwise be thrown away and will eat whatever is prepared for me in people's homes (including my mother's home; no need to burden her with alternative dishes). I've dropped seven pounds and feel fantastic. I'm training regularly and have picked up a weight-lifting routine and yoga.

Nicole is a joyful little critter these days!

Fat Blog - Day 542

2009-06-24T21:33:00.002-04:00

I feel fantastic. I'm under 160 lbs for the first time this year and I am stuffing my face! Losing dairy and meat has been my favorite life choice (2nd only to deciding to go back to school) in the past five years. I am very sore... we're talkin' ankle pain and back pain... but I am really glad to be doing what I am doing. Anyways, I cleaned my house today. I find that very consuming, not to mention gross, so I generally eat very little when I do it. I use food as incentive. C'mon Nicole, finish scrubbing that pot because I will not feed you until you do it.

Breakfast: blueberries, rice and wheat puffs and light vanilla soymilk 215 cal
Lunch: whole wheat pasta and vegan "meatsauce" 250 cal
Snack: cocoa covered almonds, blueberries 250 cal
Taekwondo +500 cal
Dinner: Dal Palak, cran-grape juice and vegetable biryani 600 cal
Dessert: chocolate chocolate chip vita muffin with chocolate hazelnut soy cream. 250 cal

Fat Blog- Day 540

2009-06-22T21:28:00.002-04:00

I ate so much at lunch that I wanted to take a nap. I will have to watch that. I had a big bowl of whole wheat pasta with vegan "meat sauce". It really counts as dinner... even though it was consumed at roughly 2:00 pm. I also totally over-did it with a bag of Original Tings "Crunchy Corn Sticks"; from the folks who brought me pirate's booty ... seriously, think entire bag of vegan cheetos.

Today was a fantastic day. I assisted with the beginners kid class and made it to both the gym and a taekwondo class. I should be back to work by the end of the month.

Jon and I are planning a trip to our local aquarium this week... they have penguins.

I started off today better than I ended. I will not be purchasing the vegan cheetos again... I love my weight loss more than their faux cheesy goodness.

Breakfast: banana/blueberry w/flaxseed 190 cal
Gym: + 300 cal
Lunch: Bolthouse Farms Berry Smoothie 280 cal
Snack: Crunchy Corn Sticks 960 cal
Dinner: whole wheat pasta w vegan meat sauce 800 cal
Taekwondo: +500 cal
snack: strawberries 70 cal

Fat Blog- Day 538

2009-06-20T22:11:00.000-04:00

My early twenties retirement celebration party!

Fat Blog- Day 534

2009-06-16T08:39:00.003-04:00

Nicole is in a good place. I made a major change in life's course. I given notice at my job and I am heading back to school for a teaching certificate. I don't have a job lined up and I have not been accepted to a school, but I feel great about the plan. I am viewing the next year as a mid-twenties sabbatical. I'll begin applying to intense teaching programs this winter, will take my tests and will begin and alternative route program, hopefully, in 2010 or 11.

I have not been unemployed since I was 14. I have been working full time for over ten years and for a majority of those years I have been enrolled in school full time at the same time. I feel free for the first time in many years. Since I made this decision, I've lost six pounds and my herb garden is ever expanding. I am transitioning out of my position responsibly and the leaders that I have been working with have been very supportive and have shared words of support, gratitude for my role in their work and promises to keep up the fight. The movement will stay with me. I'm a worker and always have been; I come from a long, long line of hard workers.

I.feel.free.

Fat Blog- Day 519

2009-06-01T21:10:00.004-04:00

Week 2 of "Project Vegan" has begun well. A Saturday event left me with a restaurant tray full of cut veggies and delicious hummus to take home. I have been singing the I love hummus song for the past several months. It's strange cuz I was never a fan.

I have been trying to think back to college and what I ate during the year that I was vegan. I think it may have been a lot of ethnic take out and these really yummy breakfast sandwiches that I dreamed up: Potatoes and mushrooms on a bagel . They made yummy breakfasts in the winter but had zero nutritional value. They clocked in at about 1000 calories per carb-ilicious delight... I would eat two. Yikes.

Today's menu:

Banana 105 cal
Peach 35 cal
Broccoli, carrots and hummus 180 cal
Fiber one multigrain bread with spinach and red pepper hummus 350 cal
sugar snap peas 35 cal
peach 35 cal
cocoa covered almonds 300 cal
caramel rice cake 45 cal
Eice and Bean burrito 300 cal
Dal 200 cal
bread 240 cal
cookies 270 cal
Cardio +450

Fat Blog- Day 510

2009-05-23T11:36:00.002-04:00

I've been vegan for 24 hours.

Yesterday's menu was
Breakfast: Fiber One Original cereal, light vanilla soymilk, blackberries and a peach, decaf green tea
Snack: taste of soy snickerdoodle ice cream, taste of soy hazelnut chocolate ice cream, grapes
Lunch: Tabbouleh salad, tofu pan-fried in sesame oil
Snack: cocoa covered almonds
Dinner: Vegan pulled chicken, whole wheat bun, multigrain pilaf with spinach, peas and tomatoes

This morning was:
Breakfast: organic apple, cherries, decaf green tea.

In my dream last night, I was devouring sausage soup. I don't really like sausage soup. Wierd.

Fat Blog- Day 491

2009-05-04T21:32:00.002-04:00

Larry King is a huge fan of The View. Barbara Walters just called Sherri Sheperd cuddly. TV rots my brain... keeps me fat.

I went to the gym on Sunday and was mauled by a sharp metal piece on the ab machine. This reinforces my fear that the gym is bad for me. It causes me pain and is hazardous to my health. I had planned to get up early today and do my pilates video; instead I slept fifteen minutes too long and left my house without my stamps. This was particularly frustrating because I had to mail a letter. The gym ruined my week... so far.

Master Plan = move more, eat less, don't stress, don't get any older and, er... move more.

Fat Blog- Day 475

2009-04-18T21:25:00.002-04:00

My gentleman friend and I are planning a garden. My father made off with the pretty bushes that used to be planted in the front of our house; he claims they were not doing well in the direct sunlight. I think he just wanted to plant them at his new house. Garden pirate... hijacked the pretty flowery plants.

Anyways, I'm left with two circles of dirt to plant flowers in. I have reservoir rocks, leftover from a never fully executed natural river rock themed fish tank... a joint venture of my brother and gentleman friend. I have a lot of junk in the basement that may make nice recycled, garden deco. I'm excited about spending every Sunday morning until the next frost digging in the dirt. It's official... I'm old.

I hear gardening burns calories. Most manual labor does...

I bought different sorts/heights/colors of sunflowers and various perennials that can survive in direct sunlight, street smog and with the occasional car running over them. Let's see how it goes...

Fat Blog- Day 474

2009-04-17T21:12:00.003-04:00

Hello all. I am fatter than ever and again determined to not be. Being the ever procrastinating procrastinator's expert procrastination trainer, I got a whiff of nice weather and remembered that my body needs to be socially acceptable in tanks and sundresses again. So the refreshed and never old-new goal is to drop a pound or two per week before June. It will have me losing about 7 pounds by June.

My usually very independent cat is in a loving mood, I wonder which off-limits room he took a shit in. Oops, I sneezed on him; he hates that.

I am off to the grocery store.

Fat Blog- Day 458

2009-04-01T22:23:00.003-04:00

Nicoles hate discomfort. My body aches. My lower back, calves and neck took a beating at tae kwon do. My fat ass deserved it; my willpower has been so not powerful. I discovered that not only do I over-eat when I am stressed, I also over-eat when I am relieved! There is no escape. I'm doomed.

Fat Blog- Day 456

2009-03-30T08:10:00.003-04:00

Recently I began wearing black pants again, after years of bartending and serving I developed an aversion to them. However, I am losing the war against cat hair. I put the pants on clean, but within twenty minutes I have a fur coat.

Still fat...

Fat Blog- Day 447

2009-03-21T16:18:00.003-04:00

Finally, I have an entire weekend off. I spent the morning exercising and the afternoon grocery shopping and the evening will find me purging my closet... again. My evening should be spent having my car's brake fluid changed, tired rotated and filters replaced... I'll save that for some late evening this week when I am exhausted and miserable.

Today, I have made good food choices. I found a delicious hummus: artichoke and spinach. It makes a good celery dip and an even better wheatables dip. I am not pleased with where my weight is at; it's not at its worst but I feel larger than I have ever been. It must be slightly due to the economic misery all around me. Puts you in a fat state of mind...

I am back to logging my food on calorie counter. It's easier than typing it all out and it forces me to use my blog to purge my day's bile and venom into a more relate-able frustration with trying to be healthy in our sick, sad and morbidly obese country. Obama should have some ideas for a lunch menu that's not going to cost me a lot of money and can sit in my car, safely, for several hours. Maybe it's in the stimulus.

The government decided that I paid six dollars too many in taxes last year. I received my "stimulus" check the other day. I stood blinking at it for a moment before laughing out loud and eventually stuffing my face with $5.49 worth of ice cream. I'm still ahead of the game... thank's Uncle Sam.

Fat Blog- Day 445

2009-03-19T22:17:00.002-04:00

I ate like a cow today. I spent a few minutes watching Shakira videos on youtube. She inspired a brief and miserable attempt at starting P90X, the ultimate in self-hatred workouts. The dude that hosts it does not shut up. It's wicked distracting. I can do 10 proper push-ups before tears, I can do 20 "girly" push-ups before my knees start to ache, pull ups are impossible and chin ups needs a stronger word than impossible... seems that, unthinkable might work. They had me doing a dozen different kinds of push ups... diamond push up, military push up, dive bomb push up... WHAT THE HELL DOES ALL OF THAT MEAN!??!?!?

I need to slap some Beyonce into my ipod, drive my car until I run out of gas and force myself to run home.

I just hate to run more than I love to look hot in a bikini. That's my problem; I don't hate myself enough. I'm cute enough for chubby to be ok. I need a beard, or some other incentive to work harder at being hot. Maybe I can stop washing my face and develop an acne problem... or hives, I'll discontinue my allergy meds and spend the night with my three cats.

Fat Blog- F$%* @#&

2009-03-16T06:44:00.002-04:00

Today I began hauling my fat ass out of bed at a completely unacceptable hour to hit the gym before work. The world is a waste at this hour. I am completely incapacitated, soon to be more so incapacitated by a modern torture device known as the treadmill. You and run and run and walk and walk and crawl for what seems like eternity... but you never get anywhere!

I am now in front of my computer, half-dead, it's still f&%@#*!^ dark outside! In minutes I will be jogging. I am less than cheerful. To make it worse, itunes is not letting me put Beyonce's song single ladies (put a ring on it) into my ipod.

Fat Blog- Day 435

2009-03-09T22:16:00.002-04:00

I was able to ward off desire to eat massive amounts of pizza when I was A. hungry and B. It was free. No easy feat; I also passed on the free soda. Thank you Central Labor Council ...

I feel good about how I ate today. I'm still under massive stress. I'd rather not be under massive stress but it seems that there is no escape.

apple 80
greek yogurt w/tbsp granola 200
special k bar 90
(2) eggs 160
(4) dolma 200
1 small slice pepperoni 300
coffee w/skim milk 50
(6) pierogi 275
3 oz steak 130
veggie mix 50
60 min cardio

Fat Blog- Day 434

2009-03-08T10:28:00.003-04:00

I am still coughing up the remnants of a head and chest cold, it's muy unpleasant.

Alas, I exercised this week which I have not been able to do well for the past month. I have also continued to scale my eating back from a completely unacceptable level of gorging.

I have discovered the hot bar at Whole Foods. It would be great if it weren't for the delicious, delicious, delicious mac and cheese. I sucked today. I didn't even try a little bit. I clocked in somewhere around 2200 calories. I'll get over it, today was my only day off.

Fat Blog- Day 430

2009-03-05T08:51:00.003-05:00

I have returned from several weeks of grazing in the field of I don't give a f%^$ or, to be fair, I was kind of lost there. It's been a dark start to the year.

In January, I was hit all at once with the death of a trusted friend, seasonal depression, an intensified workload, weeks of sinus infections/respiratory infections and of course a five pound gain. I didn't stand a chance.

I made it through. I'm still not 100% again. I am still missing a strong leader, warding off the blues, getting a handle on how to manage my time and energy at work, finishing my antibiotics and have not lost an ounce. However, for the first time yesterday I was able to focus on what I was eating. It was also the first time in the past month or so that I was able to get through a martial arts class without having to leave the floor with breathing problems. It felt good to have the food thing more under control and it was great to finally get some exercise.

I am pretty sure that the calories in the following put me over what would have been a 1500-1800 goal. I am not sure. However, the way I have been eating recently was scary; we're talking double dinners and a box of granola bars for a snack. Totally out of control... I'm glad to be back on the three meals and well chosen snacks plan. I almost caved to a bag of chips at the end of the day... but didn't!

Yesterday:

BFAST: banana, light activia, flaxseed
30 min boxing
LUNCH: egg, cheese and tomato wrap, tortilla chips
60 min taekwondo
SNACK: Granola bar
DINNER: whole wheat pasta, chicken, spinach, peanut thai sauce.
DESSERT: Fiber One Bar

Fat Blog- Day 414

2009-02-16T21:24:00.004-05:00

I'm having a difficult time.

Egg whites, spinach, laughing cow swiss and low carb tortilla 220 cal
coffee 0 cal
Italian Bread 150 cal
Creamy Tomato Soup 80 cal
Grilled Cheese 500 cal
Banana 90 cal
Asian Potstickers 380 cal

60 min taekwondo +300

1 slice cheese pizza 400 cal

Fat Blog- Day 404

2009-02-06T20:55:00.001-05:00

How am I? Tired. Tired, cold and getting fat.

Maple Oatmeal
soymilk
total: 260 cal

Mozz:
total: 80 cal

Turkey, ham and light swiss on light oatmeal bread
snowpea, edamame, black bean and carrot
total: 405 cal

oatmeal cookie
total: 180 cal

(4) chicken tender
small frie
total: 400 cal

Fat Blog- Day 390

2009-01-23T10:52:00.004-05:00

I've discovered treat-flavored yogurt. The Dannon Light series has some yummy ones, i.e.: boston creme pie, white chocolate covered cherries and strawberry shortcake. In my defeat, they make for a yummy meal accompaniment and/or light snack. This represents growth and compromise for me, because I always snickered and danced the mocking dance, in my head, at people who ate yogurt at any other time but breakfast. Always viewed yogurt as bad medicine, the bane of the professional dieter or the poor excuse for ice cream/custard. Just as I viewed jello as being the "fat-friend" of pudding. It just sat in the fridge, alone and ignored by a fatter Nicole. Anyways, I've eaten more yogurt in the past few weeks than ever.

1/2 cantaloupe 135 cal
coffee 0 cal
low carb whole grain wrap with turkey, light swiss, mustard and spinach 210 cal
weight watcher boston creme pie yogurt 100 cal
Chili's boneless chili wings 1000 cal (poor planning... again!)
Taekwondo +300
Beef, broccoli, mushrooms and tofu stir fry 300 cal

Not terrible...

Fat Blog- Day 389

2009-01-22T19:43:00.004-05:00

My skin looks AWFUL! Due to slowly developed fear of skin cancer, I have been staying out of tanning beds, away from UV rays and wearing sunblock in the house. As a result my skin, over the past few months, has returned to it's curiously olive complected, natural paleness. Exposed on my vampiress-like skin is every spot, line, bump, chicken pox scar, under-eye darkness and imperfection that I have collected over the years. I may have to brave the melanoma after all.

I am having a hard time finding healthy food on the road. I want to stay out of chain restaurants and support local business but all I seem to find is chinese food (say no to sodium), pizza (say no to fatty meats, cheese and carbs) and delis (I'm trying to say no to more than one or two servings of bread per day). Besides, all of the above listed things, that I am avoiding, are cheap, delicious and plentiful. God Bless America. I broke down and had a tuna sub. The Italian proprietor told me I'm too skinny. I had to buy something.

light dannon strawberry shortcake yogurt 110 cal
ricotta w/raspberries 170 cal
coffee 0 cal
Tuna sub 600 cal (owwwwww-uuuuch)
diet soda 0 cal
Grilled chicken, turnip greens, musrooms and tomatoes 200 cal
green tea 0 cal
baked BBQ chips 90 cal
(1) sirloin beef, mushroom and tomato skewer 250 cal
F1 bar 140 cal

Fat Blog- Day 388

2009-01-22T08:29:00.003-05:00

Apparently, I can salsa. Dancing had a great potential to be awkward and socially overwhelming. Usually, it took a great effort and lots of reassuring smiles to convince people that I'm having a good time. However, I have found the formula to make dancing fun... it is very mathematical, try to follow along...

1 glass of wine plus pretty dress minus loud drunk strangers plus Obama Inaugural Ball plus friends divided by at least two patient, talented dancers to lead less competent dancers through salsa

Thus ends my mathematical analysis of the night Nicole broke out into salsa. When I first walked into the room it reminded me more of a mosh pitt than a dance floor with salsa partners. The local dance schools had sent students to demonstrate. Seriously it was like full contact football-salsa, complete with tackling and costumes. My initial reaction was no way... no way in hell will I be dancing out there with my four inch heels that had started hurting my feet 8 hours prior. Alas, I did. Alas, it was fun and I will most likely do it again.

This all took place Tuesday night at the Omni Hotel in New Haven. There was a Barack Inaugural Ball Benefit, complete with live salsa bands and a chocolate fountain. The mood was light and excited, as if 8 years of our president talking and lying to us like we're toddlers had finally come to an end.

Yesterday was my first day on the wagon after a particularly stressful workweek knocked me off for about a week. One week, one glorious week of bbq potato chips, huge portions and trips to my mother's house for food that makes me gain weight by merely existing. Here is yesterday's menu... I must have gained like three pounds. I would know what I gained if I'd been brave enough to weigh myself.

1 Egg (2) whites, spinach, tomatoes, mozz and basil 200 cal
activia 70 cal
turkey, onion grilled chicken salad 250 cal
BBQ baked chips 110 cal
cherries 100 cal
Grilled Chicken, tomatoes, mushroom, spinach, turnip greens and fried potatoes 550 cal

Fat Blog- Day 380

2009-01-14T21:30:00.004-05:00

Wednesday is a tougher day to have an a.m private taekwondo lesson than I originally imagined. I had historically scheduled my lesson first thing Monday morning; but my work schedule changed and since Nicoles have not mastered the evolutionary skill of being able to be physically present in two places at once, I go to work on Mondays. Originally I thought Monday mornings would be a miserable time; it's the start of the work week, who likes Mondays? Wednesday would be so much better because I'm all warmed up, it's mid-week and my brain has been focused for two whole days, right? Wrong. Very Wrong.

Turns out my brain fizzles after two days of work. I never noticed how clumsy and distracted I get mid-week until I attempted martial arts first thing in the morning on a below freezing winter day after two days of work-week-related pummeling. I felt wicked lazy and kept making mistakes. I just couldn't snap out of it. Well, goal for next Wednesday: be less incompetent; shame my instructor and art less. Is it spring yet?

My day was almost veggie-less... just how I like them.

Kashi maple oatmeal 160 cal
pistachios 180 cal
1 slice colby jack and 1 slice mozz 160 cal
PB, Apple jelly and fluff on wheat 430 cal (yikes, should have tallyed all those things up before eating it; so not worth it)
Chicken and Barley Stew 160 cal
BBQ chips 280 cal
Formula 50 vitamin water 125 cal
Grilled Chicken 160 cal
1 cup cheddar broccoli pasta 350 cal

subtotal 2005 cal
90 min taekwondo +500 cal

Fat Blog- Day 379

2009-01-13T08:55:00.005-05:00

Blah.

Nicole is in a fairly miserable mood. Try again later.

Skim ricotta w/blueberries 150 cal
(2) turkey bacon 70 cal
(2) eggs 140 cal
Pineapple, melon and grape fruit bowl 200 cal
coffee 0 cal
corn, tomato, potato, turkey bacon and shrimp 220 cal
Tofu Shiratake Noodles 40 cal
(2) F1 choc bars 280 cal
Grilled Chicken and laugh cow pita 230 cal

Fat Blog- Day 378

2009-01-12T21:59:00.003-05:00

I splurged on some BBQ chips today. In retrospect, I probably could have used the 300 calories now, as I crave a bowl of chocolate ice cream.

Last year about this time, I likened this video to a Sunday Pasta night with my family. My mother's meatballs being the large sumo man and my healthy lifestyle being the scrawny polish kid. This video still makes me giggle and want meatballs.

Banana walnut bread (washed down with a fistful of m&m's) 350 cal
Turkey wrap w/provolone, lettuce, tomato 500 cal
Kettle Cooked Chips 300 cal
Grilled Chicken w/mexican cheese and salsa 215 cal
Tomato, corn, asparagus, potato homemade salsa 150 cal
Corn tortilla quesadilla 220 cal

60 minutes taekwondo +450 cal

Fat Blog- Day 376

2009-01-10T20:00:00.006-05:00

An Ann Taylor Loft Outlet opened in Westbrook. I could have made many better choices today; but there will be great celebration.

For, I have again embarked on one of the infamous Nicole-Closet-Purge-A-Paloozas; the celebration usually involves donating all clothing that has gone unworn in the past six months (not including out of season clothes; they're hibernating under the bed with my flip flops). This mass clothing exodus ritual makes room for new-to-me second hand clothing. Despite my many go-green failures, my clothing is 90% second hand and I recycle them as I acquire more. My closet, the Goodwill and the trunk of my car are stops in the always revolving doors of Nicole's wardrobe. The life cycle of a Nicole-Garment is short...very short.

Nicoles are very fickle creatures. We like variety. They also don't stay the same size for very long.

1 cup fat free milk 130 cal
F1 caramel delight cereal 450 cal
(2) slice pizza; cheese and chicken pizza 1050 cal (crap!)
1 oz. crumb cake 100 cal

Fat Blog- Day 374 + 375

2009-01-09T11:47:00.007-05:00

Nicole took a salsa and tango lesson last night. Dancing has always been a bit of a mystery to me. It's not "technically" speaking much different from learning a martial art, other than the ass kicking element. Although I can be taught martial arts techniques and patterns that I can then perform, confidently, with a group, partner or on my own... I can not dance with a partner. Left to my own choreography, I generally dance like a Harlem stripper or am a flailing danger to all around me (love the mosh pitt). Neither is appropriate in mixed company...

I blame this on my short line of gentlemen friends' aversion to dance. I have never dated anyone who was excited about the idea of shaking their ass. I've been robbed of my dancing experience! In fact, my intimate men friends have all been avid home-bodies. In many ways I have to drag them clawing and spitting into the sunlight, like vampire cats, let alone to go dance. The idea wouldn't even cross my mind to try and do so; it's so far from the reality of the short list of activities they have been willing to participate in.

I also don't see very many late nights which is unfortunate because my work schedule really only allows late night socializing. The Cons are that it makes for a miserable early morning. I can't even tolerate to imagine what a lack-luster grievance meeting would look like hung-over or exhausted from a night of ass-shakin'. The Pros are that it seems really fun and social. Nicoles are social creatures. Another Pro, increases calories burned; that means more food!

I was confronted with a meal out that I did not plan for. We hit the East Street Grille in Northampton, Mass. The food was tasty but I went slightly over my goal. I had to approximate the calories and portions. I'll need a better plan for next time. Especially because it's hard to break a sweat when learning where to put your feet

Day 374

*Ginormous Cereal Bowlnanza (HG) 410 cal
Whole wheat pasta w/vegan meat sauce 220 cal
(2) F1 choc oat bar 280 cal
1/2 cup lobster chowder 203 cal
2 onion rings 70 cal
2 shrimp 30 cal
1/2 cup calamari 400 cal
2 tbs art/spin dip 100 cal
1.5 oz. Sweet potato chips 200 cal

Salsa and tango!

Day 375

Flax pita, grilled chicken, colby jack and black bean salsa 275 cal
clementine 35 cal
apple 65 cal
Inari Sushi 425 cal
Luna peanut butter cookie bar 180 cal
string cheese 80 cal
4 slice turkey bacon 140 cal
Grilled Chicken Parm w/whole wheat spag alfredo. 400 cal

Fat Blog- Day 373

2009-01-07T21:24:00.004-05:00

I hate the gynecologist. I have nothing against my gynecologist, as a person, I am sure she's very nice when she's not inflicting me with discomfort. The conversations are always awkward. Apparently, my uterus is tiny, the way it's supposed to be. Well, thank you Dr. Kootch; that's nice of you to say. I'm baby-free right? That's great news.

However, my gynecological weigh in (fully clothed) disclosed an 8 pound weight loss since December 31. That makes sense, Dec 31 is about when I stopped eating like a 500 pound man.

*Ginormous Cereal Bowlnanza w/blueberries (Hungry Girl Cookbook) 500 cal
Italian Wedding Soup 280 cal
Rockin' Shrimp and Asparagus Soup 200 Cal
Grilled Lavash w/grilled chick, turkey bacon, spin cheese 460 cal
Chinese hot and spicy Cabbage 100 cal
Fat Free choc frozen yogurt w/blueberries 145 cal

60 minutes taekwondo

1685 cal.

Fat Blog- Day 371 + 372

2009-01-06T20:27:00.002-05:00

Today I tried artichoke hearts and, it is now official, I hate artichoke hearts. Weight Watchers deems artichokes a super food, being a veggie and all... if by super they mean super-icky, they got it correct. OK, done being immature. I gave artichoke hearts a good faith effort. The rest of the recipe was good (being shrimp, pesto and pasta; 3 of Nicole's favorite things).

I will post the menu for yesterday, today and I will list the cookbooks I am working out of. Nicoles are picky little eaters; if the world were perfect, Nicoles would live off of macaroni + cheese and BBQ potato chips. However, since Nicoles don't have the metabolism of Michael Phelps... who apparent eats 12,000 calories per day... she buys cookbooks that have mac and cheese de-evolving into spinach. Actually, some of the variations on "comfort foods" are actually really good.

Anyways, this week I am working out of 3 cookbooks. Half.com Will most likely list them for those of you who collect cookbooks.... for those of you who violate copyright laws, email me and I will scold you and talk you out of soliciting me for recipes that you should pay corporations for when you can just ask me for the recipe. Then I will scold you are pirating music and buying bootleg DVDs because they are taking money out of the pockets of deserving millionaires.

To be clear, I can't cook. I suck at it. I like simple, quick recipes that often only require one pot, and very little of me. The only thing I hate, more than awkwardly eeking out a recipe, is doing a sinkful of dishes. Other things that take me out of the running for next iron chef, is that my kitchen lacks counter space and I am always lazily lacking ingredients. Cookbook recipes are *starred and bolded, indicating that I did not just heap these ingredients in a pile and shovel them into my face.

Day 371
High Fiber Maple Oatmeal w blueberries and tsp skim ricotta 275 cal
strawb light activia 70 cal
colby jack cheese wedge w/2 wheat crackers 150 cal
skim mozz string cheese 80 cal
Spinach, Apples, walnuts and feta salad w/grilled chicken 490 cal
cherries 90 cal
*Parmesan and Basil Biscuits (Weight Watcher 20 Minute Cookbook) 300 cal
*Rockin' Shrimp and Asparagus Soup (Hungry Girl Cookbook) 250 cal

Day 372
*Ginormous Cereal Bowlnanza (Hungry Girl Cookbook) 425 cal
1/2 sesame cookie 45 cal
McD Quarter Pounder no cheese (I know... shoot me, I was in a rush) 410 cal
*Shrimp, artichoke hearts w/mint pesto (Weight Watchers: Super Foods Cookbook) 500 cal
UTZ BBQ baked chips 120 cal

Fat Blog- Day 370

2009-01-04T21:06:00.003-05:00

It's flippin' cold outside!!!

I have five times my body weight in clean laundry on the floor of my bedroom, waiting to be put away, waiting to no longer be clean and I clamor over them to nap on my bed. Instead of obediently folding, sorting and putting them away I am scouring this website. It's a great tool for planning meals out and putting together a shopping list.

Does any one have a suggestion for an effective/contagious workout video/dvd that won't end up gathering dust in the corner with all forty seven of my other workout videos?

IHOP Spin/mush/ham omelet 300 cal
IHOP fruit bowl 100 cal
Coffee 0 cal

Grilled Chicken 120 cal
Mango habanera salsa 15 cal
Mex cheese 50 cal
Edamame 100 cal

Jr. Mints 170 cal
Utz baked BBQ chips 120 cal

Pesto Pasta w.peas 250 cal
Grilled Chicken 120 cal

1/2 cup fat free choc frozen yogurt 100 cal
fresh cherries and blueberries 150 cal

Fat Blog- Day 369

2009-01-03T21:23:00.002-05:00

I think I have an addiction to Chinese pork dumplings. I can't quite find them on the food pyramid so they probably shouldn't be making their way into my daily menu.

Also, making a mental note to stay the f*%k out of cold stone creamery and anywhere else where a "snack packs a calorie wallop that more than doubles that of breakfast.

Breakfast Burrito: 320 cal
egg beater, feta, flax pita, turkey bacon
Coffee 0 cal
Egg Drop Soup 70 cal
Pork Dumplings 400 cal
Spicy Cabbage Salad 50 cal
Green Tea 0 cal
Sinless Sweet Cream like it Coldstone 685 cal
strawberries, yellow cake and whipped cream

Fat Blog- Day 368

2009-01-02T21:28:00.003-05:00

I thought about exercising today but then just didn't. Instead I focused on limiting carb-y snacks (big sugary cereal and chocolate granola bar fan). My goal for calories on sedentary days is 1500.

::wipes zero sweat from un-exercised brow::

I just made it.

Today was my first day back to work after a much needed sabbatical in small-town New England. I feel recharged; I may need to take a couple of days in March to stay rested. Nicoles require a fair amount of time off to nurture their souls. It's chapter 5 in The Care and Maintenance of Your Nicoles: A User's Guide. There are no words in this manual, cuz Nicoles don't read, but there are lots of pictures of Nicoles doing stuff they like to do.

Monday, hopefully, will be my first day back to taekwondo after almost two weeks off. Ouch, my hip flexors are squealing in protest at the mere thought of stretching. No, seriously, they are aching from lack of use.

I did zero planning for my menu this week. Enjoy my erratic and deliberately boring life choices. Stupid gentleman friend brought home chinese pork dumplings... Nicoles love pork dumplings (Chapter 7). Pork dumplings do not love Nicoles and tend to cling loosely to their mid-sections, making a very un-Shakira-like silouette.

BFAST: Mexican soy-rizo scramble: 320 cal (4P)
LUNCH: Whole wheat turkey wrap w/fresh spinach 350 cal (V+2P+C)
Snack: Banana (V) 105 cal
DINNER: 3/4 cup edamame 120 cal, pan fried vegetable gyoza and 2 pork dumplings 600 cal (3P+2C+2V)

1495 calories

Fat Blog- Day 367

2009-01-01T11:47:00.004-05:00

Ahem... a much heavier, feeling, Nicole has just returned from a week in small town America (not to be confused with big town, moderately-sized town, off the beaten path, country and let's not forget crazy-crackers' town America). Nicole has had something re-emphasized to her. America (the big, small moderately sized and the crackers) is eating too much. The food isn't even that good.

The diet rut is always the same you start to slip, you make a half-hearted attempt to correct the slip and then you lose control for a few days, weeks or months and you spend too much time eating lack luster food and regretting it. Then we talk about it, joke about it, blog about it and then you're depressed and it feels hopeless.

Then the New Year comes, promising change. Don't panic, but, reality is that, the New Year is the same as the old year. In approximately March/April I will slip and in July there will be whining about the bathing suit shapes. In November there will be food, lots of food and speckled throughout the year there will be stress, concessions, compromise, new outfits, shoes, excitement, pride, accomplishment, more whining (this time about how pants fit) and food, lots of food. 2009 holds the same war that I've been waging since I was 13 years old.

It's the same old discontent with myself that I had at my heaviest 190 lbs and at my smallest 140 pounds. It's the same discontent I have now at 160 pounds. It's the same resentment that I harbor about anything that takes time, consistency and discipline. All concepts that I am stingy with, suck at and am a consistent failure with, respectively.

So 2009, we finally meet. I was disappointed with your predecessor 2008 and I have great hopes for you. I will be 30 years old soon. The corners of my eyes have the rumor of creases; my forehead has lines that I didn't recognize until recently. I'm getting older; I'm wasting my time with failure.

Coming soon... a list of things an ever-shrinking-then-expanding-Nicole would like to be better at.

Fat Blog- Day 350

2008-12-15T22:12:00.002-05:00

I really want dessert. A lot more than a serving size. I really want a flat tummy more.

Bfast: mattar paneer 600 cal
basmati rice 200 cal
Lunch: Lime Shrimp (kashi) 250 cal
Apple, clementine 110 cal
60 min cardio +500
Dinner: Tofu Shiratake noodles 30 cal
Alfredo 255 cal
shrimp, spinach and chicken 210 cal
Dessert: caramel delight 180 cal

Total calories: 1830 cal

Fat Blog- Day 349

2008-12-14T19:14:00.003-05:00

::closes eyes, sways and hums::

I spent the day shopping. Usually, when i am out for leisure the entire day, I eat like a cow. Not this day!

Bfast: Egg Beaters 75 cal
Soy-rizo 120 cal
Mex Cheese 80 cal
Corn Tortilla 110 cal
Coffee 0 cal
Lunch: slice shrimp scampi pizza 315 cal
(2) slice Asiago, tomato, basil pizza 620 cal
diet birch soda 7 cal
Dinner: Crumb Cake 500 cal
Chocolate Coffee 5 cal
Outlet Shopping walking +200 cal
Trying on clothes +50 cal
Approx 1900 calories

Fat Blog- Day 348

2008-12-13T16:37:00.007-05:00

I cut my hair! Well actually, the cute-sy chick at a local New Haven salon cut my hair but I really like it. I may go shorter, we'll see what my hair does on its own for the next couple of days. The ultimate goal is a hair cut that will maintain itself without having to shave my head.

To celebrate my new haircut and indoor bronzed skin, thank you jergens for medium toned skin, I bought new clothes. They will not fit me in 4 months because I will either be bigger or smaller than I currently am. That can be counted upon.

Today, like yesterday, was not a complete failure. One day at a time folks...

Bfast: Maple Oatmeal 160 cal
Snack: clementine, apple 100 cal
**Taekwondo 60 min + 500 cal**
Lunch: (2) egg 160 cal
3.5 oz. Grilled Chicken 250 cal
Snack: Nutrisystem Choc Crunch Bar 140 cal
Dinner:
Saturday is ethnic Indian cuisine day
Mattar Paneer approx 400 cal
Masala tea approx 10 cal
pappad approx 100 cal
basmati rice approx 200 cal
lentil Soup approx 200 cal
yummy lentil/peas appetizer thingie approx 175 cal
Snack: weight watcher caramel chocolate bar approx 75 cal

Total: approx 1970 cal

Fat Blog- Day 347

2008-12-12T21:04:00.002-05:00

Rather than dwell on all the people and things that made me pissy this week, I am choosing to focus on how I am going to spend my Saturday afternoon off. Considering that I spent last Saturday pouring over an arbitration brief for about four hours (not including time spent pacing and talking to myself in a hope to expedite perfect word choice) I could spend tomorrow watching ice melt and it would represent a drastic improvement to my morale.

I have found that I am more likely to make good food choices at night when I skip lunch. That pesky eating disorder of mine finds its way back in from time to time. I have a tendency to skip lunch because I try not to stop for fast food unless it is an emergency, I am short on time and most often have no access to microwaves or fridges. I am fairly limited to what will sit well in an automobile until I have a minute to fork it into my face; basically lunch is whatever I can fit into the daily commute, which is different everyday. Today lunch happened at roughly 5:00.

Today's crap menu

Bfast: Light tuna sandwich 265 cal
Lunch: Inari Sushi and Black Tea 450 cal
60 Min cardio + 500 cal
Dinner: Nutrisystem beef and veggies, fett alfredo and chicken breast 650 cal
Snack: Apple, carrots 90 cal

Fat Blog-Day 336

2008-12-01T13:12:00.002-05:00

As my year anniversary of my most recent round of cyberspace-commitment to healthy lifestyle implementation or it's street name, Fat Blog, as it is known I have re-learned something important about myself.

My fat ass can't stick with anything except being a fat ass. I am almost back at my starting weight, save several little pounds and I'm miserable in my clothes. I have banned the purchase of larger sized clothing. I figure squeezing into and looking terrible in my size 10s will be excellent incentive to get on the program and get back in my size 8s. I have no excuses: I have no kids, my thyroid is fine and am perfectly able bodied to exercise. Stupid lack of excuses....

Anyways, let's keep it together and show these holidays whose belly is not getting any bigger... this guy's belly, that's whose.

Fat Blog- Day 316

2008-11-11T20:51:00.003-05:00

There is a powerful, psychological effect that even a single day of successful dieting has on the fit of one's clothing. Monday went well, I stayed under 1500 calories, I wasn't hungry and I exercised. Imagine the effect of many successful dieting days... I do believe they may actually amount to actual, realized weight loss. I am on day 2 of the "success diet"; I have been able to curb most cravings and get some semblance of exercise.

I was shocked to learn today that a single Taco Bell Chicken Quesadilla has 540 calories. I recalled the day that I ate three of those bad boys and I vomited a little in the back of my throat. That would be 540 + 540 + 540, 540 x 3, 1620/3 which all = back fat and thigh pudge.

Bfast: F1 Caramel Delight Cereal 180 cal
Cherry Activia 110 cal
Snack: F1 choc + oats 150 cal
Lunch: Beef and Barley Soup 275 cal
Snack: (2) ww sweet and salty bars 300 cal
Dinner: Lean Cuisine: Basil Chicken 290 cal
Snack: turkey pepperoni 70 cal
F1 caramel delight 360 cal
Sub Total: 1735 cal
Exercise: 60 min cardio +450
Total: 1435 cal

Fat Blog- Day 310

2008-11-05T21:08:00.002-05:00

The things that suck about being fat again:

clothes don't fit
always feel "stuffed"
foul mood
feel generally uninspired.

The things that are great about being fat again:

pretty much nothing

One positive could be all the food; the thing is that I really don't enjoy food, I consume it too quickly and too compulsively to enjoy it. It takes constant, deliberate effort to control my eating habits. I suck at both consistency and deliberate-ness. However, today I did not suck as much as usual.

I have also been told that some women have a gene; this gene, when the woman consumes more than 3 cups of coffee per day, causes the woman's boobs to shrink.

The relevance and the connectivity of these two boring and repetitive stories is that I am getting fatter and my boobs seem to be shrinking. The good news is that this gene also apparently decreases my risk of breast cancer. Makes sense, no boobs=no cancer of the boobs.

B: turkey and red fat cheddar scrambled eggs w/spin
S: F1 PB bar
L: steamed shrimp and mixed veggies w/egg drop soup
S: (4) inari and luna bar
E: 90 min taekwondo
D: Spinach and Cheese Ravi w/OJ

total: 1601 cal

fat blog day 294

2008-10-20T21:08:00.007-04:00

I got all dolled up on Saturday. This is a big deal for me; I rarely wear make up, dresses or brush my hair. I seriously yammered all day about how hot I looked.... to anyone who would listen. Now I'm writing about how hot I, and all of my friends, looked on Saturday.

It was a great time at a fundraiser set up to benefit students who want a degree in "sciencey" fields. The scholarship was set up in memory of my friend's sister who passed away suddenly and tragically three years ago. Her students were robbed of a generous and charismatic teacher, so we do what we can to make sure that Christine continues to make her mark in their lives.

Today's menu:

B: Cinnamon F1 pop tarts 380 cal
E: 30 min boxing/taekwondo -200 cal
S: F1 pb bar 150 cal
L: Beef and Barley Soup 150 cal
Tuna Sandwich 225 cal
S: Jello sugar free pudding 70 cal
D: (3) light hot dogs 270 cal
Bread 150 cal
mustard/ketchup 30 cal
Total: 1426 cal
Goal: 1500 cal

Fat Blog- Day 293

2008-10-19T19:29:00.003-04:00

I watched a stressful documentary called "I Eat 33,000 Calories Per Day". The familiarity of what I heard has inspired me to acknowledge my eating disorder and move forward.

I am a food addict.

It's not a very good excuse because I don't weigh upwards of 400 lbs; it's a much more compelling argument coming from a 700 lb man who is bed ridden on an oxygen tank or a 900 lb man whose knees gave out under his massive weight. I'm like the diet coke of food addicts, clocking in at a meager 160 lbs and having perfectly functional mobility. I've got a long road ahead of me if I want to be hardcore enough to have a documentary made about me and the plate of cookies in my kitchen.

I plan to weigh in, again, tomorrow, and re-commit, again, to reaching my goal weight. It seems like this should be totally attainable if it weren't for these two pesky things I lack: discipline and sense of urgent effort.

I've been burning mad calories tripping over my new cat who is a relentless mooch and a persistent howler. I may kill this new cat, who had yet to be named. If I kill it before it has a name, I'm morally in the clear. Although there will be intense guilt for dropping $100 into his shots and check-up; I think I can live with myself if he can't learn to shut his yap.

Fat Blog- Day 288

2008-10-14T08:51:00.001-04:00

I hate doing bills.

I usually put off the ritual of sitting at my computer pouring over what I've paid and not paid within the last month; this generally contributes to the misery and confusion.

B:caramel delight 180 cal
peach F1 yogurt 80 cal
S: F1 bar 140 cal
L: Creamy mushroom polenta lasagna 250 cal
Animal crackers 120 cal
S: Nutrisystem peanut butter bar 180 cal
D: Pesto 300 cal
Shiratake noodles 40 cal
Shrimp 90 cal

Fat Blog- Day 287

2008-10-13T22:13:00.002-04:00

::enters diet confessional:: I ate two additional portions of my shrimp and chicken Quinoa after I blogged last night. My penance is to eat less today.

I came in way under calories today to make up for going way over calories yesterday. Mondays are good days. I can usually adjust my schedule so that it is the one day where I begin and end with martial arts class. My hip and lower back are killing me.

Off to bed... where there is nothing for me to gorge on, blowing my diet in the late pm of my day.

B: F1 Caramel Delight Cereal 180 cal
F1 strawb yogurt 80 cal
E: 30 minutes taekwondo
S: peach 40 cal
L: Chicken Corn Chowder 300 cal
Apple 80 cal
S: F1 choc + oat bar 140 cal
E: 90 min taekwondo
D: Polenta and Creamy Mushroom Lasagna 350 cal
Total: 1220 cal
Goal: 1500 cal

Fat Blog- Day 286

2008-10-12T14:52:00.005-04:00

My gentleman friend and I heart breakfast. On Sundays mornings, we alternate going to several favorite breakfast spots. We order man-sized portions of food; to justify it, I made Sundays my diet-day-off to accommodate the weekly caloric malady.

Today, I actually tried and I still clocked in at almost 1,000 calories. I forwent the side of sausage and yielded to Jonathan's demand of the majority of the pancake that we usually split in half.

B: Homemade Wheat Bread 425 calories (wow)
(2) eggs 180 cal
Grits (1 slab butter) 180 cal
1/3 of chocolate chip pancake 150 cal
Black Coffee 5 cal
S: Black Coffee 5 cal
L: Nutrisystem Chicken
A La King 150 cal
D: Quinoa, Shrimp and Grilled Chicken (fresh mint and parsley... mmmm) 500 cal
Total: 1595
Goal: 1500

Fat Blog- Day 285

2008-10-12T14:29:00.002-04:00

So, due to excessive feeding and lack luster effort to exercise, I'm a fatty again. My body can pack on and peel off ten pounds like no joke... good thing when peeling off, not a good thing when packing on.

On the weight watchers diet, the plan sets the first goal at 10% of your current body weight. My low standards of discipline and self control has inspired me to readjust my expectations, yet again. I am shooting for a meager 15 pounds of weight loss.

Historic Look into Nicole's Epic Weight Fluctuations
High School (fresh): 145, 5'2
High School (soph): 145, 5'4
High School (jr): Adopts Vegetarianism 150, 5'4
High School (sr): Begins to abuse carbs 175, 5'4

College Year 1: Unable to kick carb addiction 175
College Year 2: Holy fuck! 195
College Year 3: Ve-ganism delivers me back to 155
College Year 4: Forgoes Ve-ganism to adopt free-ganism (the consumption of all that is free) 165

Year 1 Real World: Depression and Unemployment brings me down to 140
Year 2 Real World: Employment brings groceries, 150
Year 3 Real World: Employment brings stress, 160
Year 4 Real World: Riding weight fluctuation waves 153-161

Today's Menu:
B: Organic Granola 190 cal
F1 Peach Yogurt 80 cal
E: 60 min taekwondo
S: Lite DD iced latte 80 cal
L: Turkey Saus and Spin
DD Egg white flat bread 280 cal
S: F1 Choc + Oat Bar 140 cal
D: Quorn Chix Patty (2) 300 cal
Bread (2) 200 cal
Laughing Cow light swiss (2) 70 cal
Total: 1340
Goal: 1500

FATTY FAT FAT-281

2008-10-07T23:19:00.003-04:00

Once in awhile I will be gently prodded by some vague need to document where I'm at. Sometimes it's how I feel in the moment and other times it's about how that moment connects to a bigger picture. Over the past several years, I've sought out various opportunities. Some of these chances were vain and lazy; others required me to set myself aside and push myself beyond what I'd formerly thought was possible.

In the past several years I:

Lost my Nonna to cancer
Moved to NYC
Cried about the way I looked.
Remodeled my Grandmother's apartment
Had my application rejected twice, in my humble opinion, the most grassroots Labor Organization in US and Canada.
Got hired by, in my humble opinion, the most grassroots Labor Organization in US and Canada
Lost and Gained probably 1,000 pounds in weight fluctuations
Grew my hair long
Had a tooth rot due to a three year lapse in health care coverage
Banged down the door of my boss's basement office with five of my coworkers, who barely spoke English, demanding to get our first paycheck in over a month
I walked away from my Full Time, $20-25 dollar an hour bartending job
Went for over a month without calling my mother
Endured one of the most righteously indignant mommy-guilt-trips over going over a month without calling her
Vacated NY to return to my childhood home
Cried due to the weather
Left my family and the continental U.S
Had a door slammed in my face
Been welcomed into a strangers' living room/kitchen/porch
Won someone their job back
Worked 10 hour days every weekday on salary.
Gardened
Rescued two ferral kittens
Watched Seasons 1-7 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Cried due to stress
Nursed a sick rat with a belly tumor the size of a small apple.
Laughed at my partner, not with... at
Started smiling at babies
Had a whole conversation about I Love New York 2 Reality Dating
Appreciated my solid support network
Taken my solid support network for granted
Tried over thirty different shampoos and conditioners
Put my fat clothes in the basement
Retrieved my fat clothes from the basement
Bought a fish
Pulled up a carpet
Made a split second decision and was right.
Carefully planned out a decision and was wrong
Made a new friend
Cried over being tired
Got a clean bill of health from a dentist, kootch doctor and a general practicioner
Kept food journals
Gave my brother a hard time because he was making me worry
Gave my father a hard time because he was making me worry
Gave my mother a hard time because she was making me worry
Yelled at my mother for being the worst of me.

These are in no apparent order, but going through them and taking the moment to bring it all back shows me growth. Personal progress has always been a priority. Over the years my personal progress evolved from a place of selfishness to a place of comfort and willingness to lend myself to the personal progress of other people.

IN a way, owning leadership could be read as condescension. No one likes a know-it-all and I don't like people who are proud of knowing nothing, of accomplishing nothing, of contributing nothing that benefits someone other than themselves. A person is moved by self interest, and we've at the same time been somehow convinced that our own self interest is somehow separate from one anothers'. With ambition and compassion, people cooperate and solve plaguing social problems.

In addition to voting on election day, we're charged to take leadership. To inspire, educate and mobilize not only ourselves but also each other. Without personal empowerment and collective action our country is in danger and will fail. When I refer to our Country I'm talking about Americans. By Americans, I mean any person living and working in this country. When I talk about leadership I mean leaving your mark on more than just your mother who's required to love you.

Bed time.

Fat Blog- Day 273

2008-09-29T22:27:00.001-04:00

I have successfully peeled off the weight that I'd packed back on after successfully peeling off 18 pounds in the beginning of the year. Hopefully I will continue peeling and avoid packing.

In other news, apparently the economy is crashing down around us. Reporters are using their "panic"voices. Makes me want to eat.

Fat Blog- Day 253

2008-09-09T22:31:00.003-04:00

My body image issues may be getting a little out of hand.

To remedy this, I went to the gym tonight. Tuesday and Thursdays are my late-house visit nights so there is no hope of making it down to Hamden for clase de martial arts. Instead, I have committed to try to do my very best to hope to possibly make it to the gym instead. Fortuitously, Bally Total Fitness has a late night yoga class on Tuesdays ::and there was great celebration::

Just to be clear, I suck at yoga. Luckily, the instructor took pity on a room full of beginners and the poses were not impossible. I hope that yoga will be a helpful supplement to my martial arts training as it will challenge areas that I always need improvement in 1. balance 2. flexbility 3. strength... in order of my personal priority. :: and there was much celebration ::

I also ate like a cow today. ::and there was much celebration::

Fat Blog- Day 247

2008-09-03T21:54:00.003-04:00

I've discovered Fiber One bars. I've discovered the whole Fiber One line of products. They are delicious and more importantly fiber-ific. There is a cereal called Caramel Delight. It's Fiber One's healthy rendition of the not-so-healthy cinnamon toast crunch. Fiber-licious...

I am about to retire for the night. I have rediscovered sleeping in my bed after an entire summer of sleeping on the couch in the air conditioned living room. The nights are finally cool enough to allow a comfortable temperature. My hips, back and knees are singing their support of the change. The couch has not been kind to my aging body. My sinuses, however, are singing wash the dusty sheets.

FAT BLOG- Day 244

2008-08-31T08:56:00.001-04:00

FYI

If I was so narcissistic I should love myself enough to stop stuffing my face.

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Schizoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Schizotypal	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Antisocial	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Borderline	\|\|\|\|	18%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Narcissistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|	14%
Dependent	\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Obsessive-Compulsive	\|\|\|\|\|\|	22%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Fat Blog- Day 241

2008-08-28T09:17:00.004-04:00

I just don't get it. No, I get it; I don't like it. I totally disapprove. If I consume more than 1500 calories per day I gain weight... guaranteed. Paying taxes, death and weight fluctuations are all that can be guaranteed in my life.

Also, this high fiber shit is really screwing with my delicate internal balance. My body hates and rejects fiber in all its many forms. My body is screaming for processed sugars and simple carbs. Deal with it, digestive track, you'll get multigrain and wheat and like it.

This is discouraging because I exercise! I exercise A LOT! At least three times per week; I'm Nicole and I'm a taekwondo addict. I try to eat healthy but I really suck at that... really, really suck. Like no joke... S-U-C-K. Apparently, I'm going to have to reverse that trend because unless I work in two more hours of exercise per day, I just cannot lose fifteen pounds and eat whatever I want. Which is provoking and discouraging and all sorts of other negative "ings".

One thing that my mind and body are united on. We hate effort. We lo-o-ove baked goods.

Addendum 9:00 pm

I must have been really tired when I wrote down the ingredient portions for tonight's meal. I usually put my weekly meal plan together on Sunday night. I use my mathematical superpower to divide the ingredients down to a single portion. I have learned three things:

1. My math is terrible.
2. I'm not qualified to identify a mild red fresno chile pepper
3. I am doubly not qualified in a situation where there are no red chile peppers at the store and am forced to guess what must be comparable in heat and flavor based on zero knowledge of chile peppers.

The magazine's shrimp arugula salad recipe yielded 4 portions, but alas I am one; so I carefully divided all the ingredient portions by four to yield a single portion. I divided all ingredients accept the chile portion. I mixed a whole chile portion into a quarter of the rest of the ingredients. I set my tongue, throat and pretty much whole face on fire but I was able to deduce that if I hadn't botched it the salad would have been delicious. At least I think so... it smelled good.

Fat Blog Day 238

2008-08-25T22:10:00.002-04:00

Abs Diet has a fantastic, super healthy, non-traditional pesto recipes that is yummy and what is more important exceedingly simple. Do this...

Get pan over med heat
star with Tbsp olive oil w/fresh garlic
sautee some shrimp
crush walnuts and add
tear up some baby spinach
Add fresh basil
Toss with whole wheat penne

I just finished enjoying this mixture. It was quite good. Even the gentleman friend, who generally hates pesto and complains whenever I eat it, cook it, buy it, etc it, begged me for some. I let him beg a bit and then parted with a small portion of shrimpy goodness.

The past week was rough. I ate too much.

Fat Blog- Day 234

2008-08-21T08:29:00.002-04:00

The Diet Saboteur of the Week is...
Tuesday

It seems that whenever Tuesday rolls around eat-a-palooza happens. I don't know what is special about Tuesday; maybe because it's the "actual" start of the work week and the realization that you have all this stuff to do throughout the week throws you into the lap of your local McDonalds. By Tuesday, Monday lethargy has worn off and you are expected to be productive... apparently that means you get stuff done. I certainly got some fries and chicken nuggets done while I was being blown off by my 2:00 appointment... who didn't even bother to call to cancel. They just left me at the local Mc Donalds, alone with my boredom and hunger.

Back-on-the-program-Thursday will save me... it better, weigh in is still on Saturday.

Fat Blog- Day 230

2008-08-17T13:12:00.002-04:00

The most stressful part of my week is putting together a menu for the following week. This week I deviated from the plan all over the place. I try to put together reasonable recipes that will require little time, less effort and satiate the whole insatiable appetite thing. That is not very easy to do. I snacked a lot this week, late at night, like I promised myself I wouldn't and I ended up at a fast food joint twice, like I said I shouldn't. I usually decide to give in to the more insistent cravings because they tend to not go away.

So, I lost another pound this week and I am now back to the weight that I was at before I went on the whole gain-weight-a-palooza. I think I'd be happy with 10 more lbs... of course when I get there I will probably want to get down 5 more... thank you psychosis. Lucky for me, Nicoles don't really come in 140 pound variety unless they are broke, starving, living in the Bronx and walking everywhere. Thank you Ramen noodle, depression and eating disorders...

I am going to scour the internet for delicious recipes that require nothing from me.

Fat Blog- Day 226

2008-08-13T08:37:00.002-04:00

Well yesterday was a bust. My diet went to die at a local McDonalds after a deliberate cheat at a Dunkin Donuts.

That's ok. Back on the program; I figure I should give in to strong cravings once in awhile to keep from going insane. Scratch that, two double cheeseburgers and a donut stuffed with vanilla frosting is insane. Let's keep it real.

Today, however, is a new day; hopefully it will be vanilla frosting and double cheeseburgers-free. I am currently shoveling breakfast down my throat. It's going to sit in my stomach like a rock and should hold me over until dinner... tomorrow. Yeah, it is "ew". I won't do this particular breakfast again. Maybe in the dead of winter to warm my core and insulate my innards. It's a bit much, is all I'm saying. But very fiberful.

Breakfast
The Flax Machine

simply smart milk
plain oats
flaxseed
honey
banana
peanut butter

If I eat anything of interest throughout the day I'll make an amendment to this post but currently I'm planning soup for dinner and salad for lunch... yawn.

Fat Blog - Day 224

2008-08-11T22:05:00.003-04:00

I was somewhat disappointed with the "Tirami-smoothie"; however, I define disappointing as not being as sweet and gross as a McDonald's milkshake. I added a splenda and got on with my life. But, it wasn't awful and I think once I figure out my ice cube technology (the automatic maker is busted and I can't find the trays!) the smoothie route will be a yummy route. Nothing as delicious as sipping ricotta as it absorbs room temperature. ::vomits into the back of her throat::

The pita pizza is God's favorite diet friendly meal.

Breakfast: Tirami-smoothie

ricotta cheese
plain yogurt
almonds
coffee grinds
chocolate whey powder
6 ice cubes

Snack: apple/luna bar
Lunch: The Beaning of Life

black beans
red. fat chicken broth
olive oil
cilantro
red. fat mexican cheese
scallion

Snack: D+D egg white flat bread with turkey sausage (not too bad)

Dinner: The Whitey Ford Pita Pizza

whole wheat pita
ricotta
red, fat mozz
scallion
oregano and parsley
grilled chicken

Fat blog - Day 222

2008-08-09T09:18:00.002-04:00

Big fan of the Abs Diet. The recipes in the book are easy to follow and are pretty tasty. This was the menu Saturday. Sunday I wasn't terrible.

Breakfast: 1 cup vanilla yogurt, 1/2 cup peaches and tbsp almonds
Lunch: "Que Sera Quesadilla"

2 medium tortilla
1/2 cup reduced fat mexican cheese blend
1/2 cup grilled chicken
1 tbsp cilantro
1 sliced green onion
salsa

Snack: carrots
Dinner: Slice of homemade pizza

Fat Blog- Day 221

2008-08-08T20:50:00.002-04:00

My first week without high fructose corn syrup has been a success! I weigh in tomorrow and I fully expect a loss. I plan to make all Saturday mornings my weigh ins...

Reason #1: I almost always do martial arts on Saturday morning; if my weight goes down it will put me in a great mood and I will have a good class. If my weight goes up I can punish myself...by having a good class.
Reason #2: I picked Sunday to be my diet-day-off. It's the day my gentleman friend claims as his day of my weekly life. We usually get breakfast and spend the day shopping. I would like flexibility on Sunday and not have to weigh in on Monday....
Reason #3: Re-read #2... I am a coward.
Reason#4: I go grocery shopping on Sunday and plan my meals on Sunday; a Saturday weigh in will send me into my list building mode with some going-forward perspective.
Reason #5: Monday weigh ins were just not working. I get up early on that day for a private lesson... remembering to weigh in just not working.

I am sort of surprised by how good I feel and how easy this week was. I am going to give full credit to my change in strategy. I am really not eating anything fat free, or low cal, or low carb or anything artificial. I just focused on eating whole wheats and high fiber, eating nothing but natural sugars; so I skipped the sports beverage for water, skipped the ketchup and chose mustard, no jellies I picked fruit. I also snacked on fruit and lean lunch meats. I am going to list my menus again because I haven't been hungry at all but I have been consuming much fewer calories.

Today's Menu.
Breakfast: plan nonfat dannon yogurt, flaxseed (my new omega fatty acid best friend) and blueberries
Lunch: Creamy Basil Chicken Lean Cuisine and an apple
Snack: 1 serving turkey breast
Dinner: Whole grain light english muffin and ...

"Abs Diet Burger"

90% lean ground beef
tbsp of reduced fat Mexican mix cheese
1/2 cup spinach
1/2 cup oats
1/4 cup chopped onion

Nicole on Salads

2008-08-05T21:15:00.005-04:00

Very similar to the "brain on drugs" ads of my childhood. Nicoles fry and shrivel in the frying pan when trying to operate on a 300 calorie or less salad.

I just can't do mixed greens alone. I was starving by mid afternoon. Soup for lunch does a fine job of catapulting me through the diet danger zone (for me that is the time frames between 3-5:00 and 8-10:00 pm); salad for lunch kinda dumps me in the danger zone, rubs my face in the dirt and runs off laughing. It's diet sabotage.

Don't get me wrong, salad is great when accompanies by shrimp/almonds or feta/chicken or SOMETHING other than greens and veggies. Big fan of gorgonzola/apples/pears too... I digress.
I've been doing a satisfactory job of not over doing breads; not crazy about croûtons.

Ideal lunches can be eaten while talking on the cell phone and shifting my automatic transmission. I think we're going to have to stick to wraps, smoothies and sandwiches. Salads do not an ideal lunch make.

Fat Blog- Day 218

2008-08-05T08:39:00.002-04:00

A meager list of delicious snacky-temptations, poor life choices and sugary beverage-desires that I warded off on the first day of my billionth attempt to achieve a flat tummy: BBQ potato chips, Cookie dough ice cream, Red powerade, a coke (e-evil high fructose corn syrup) and At least three fast food stops for french fries

Let's see how it continues to go and what kind of artery clogging/belly fat storing goodies I can pass on today. I am going to have an omelet for breakfast, yes indeed, I am. Yummy omelet; delicious omelet. Getting my omelet on.

Fat Blog- Day 217

2008-08-04T08:03:00.003-04:00

Whenever I am going through a time when I am ragingly ineffective, I think back to the last time I did something right. Dietwise... that would put me back to God knows when. It was a week where I took the time on Sunday to plan out my meals for the entire week and go grocery shopping to secure all ingredients needed to make said meals.

So that is what I did yesterday. I am swearing off high fructose corn syrup. HFCS may be the food industry's not-so-secret ploy to make the entire world obese, hungry morons... on account of the fact that our bodies don't really know how to digest it like real sugar. Also, Trans fat is out my life. I don't quite know why fats are bad as trannies... they always seem sweet enough with their cute shoes and great hair, but alas, if I am to look even as hot as a male impersonating Shakira then I need results!

I will be abs-rrific by the end of... next summer.

the secret to eternal youth.

2008-07-27T23:44:00.002-04:00

You will never get old so long as you're wearing fuzzy, bunny slippers.

Fat Blog- Day 209

2008-07-27T19:26:00.002-04:00

Doing the same thing over and over and failing; then doing the same thing again and expecting success. Isn't that the definition of insanity or something? My diet methods certainly fall within the realm of insanity; well within the realm of insanity, wrapped up in little bits of delusion and decked out with twinkly lights of psychosis and complete with a hanging plant of self sabotage. My mind is a tastefully designed loony bin.

::rolls eyes::

Anyways... Back to work tomorrow.

Fat Blog- Day 207

2008-07-25T09:54:00.009-04:00

I'm cranky. My vacation is almost over, I committed to cook today and I've been at this healthy food choices thing for over 200 days and yet I continue to make unhealthy food choices. Playing on a Chris Rock line... Nicole is only as healthy as her options. So, if there are a sleeve of skinny cow ice cream sandwiches around... beware the skinny cow ice cream sandwich eating marathon.

I feel tubby. I did roughly twenty hours of tae kwon do ( I won't count most of the time I spent corralling the beginner children if I did we'll be approaching 30ish hours in two weeks) and I still feel tubby. I've re-committed mentally to only eating when I am hungry, choosing healthier options and that, of course, means not eating entire sleeves of skinny cow ice cream sandwiches...obviously.

My problem is that I like to eat. I like to eat more than I like to exercise, work, talk to people, do my taxes, watch reality television and fold my clothes. It's kind of a huge problem.

In an effort to stay focused, gain perspective on progress and of course to humiliate myself in an effort to vanquish all distorted body image issues, I took "before pics". My diets have always been so such spontaneous, erratic and short lived failures that I have never bothered with before pics. As a result I have jaded perspective on "fit Nicole", "fat Nicole" and "neutral Nicole" my alter egos. I really just have a problem (please see previous paragraph and 206 previous posts for subtle reminder of Nicole's problem). Please secure your harpoons...

Side: Belly making my ass look flat in comparison

Front: What are you smiling at?! What?!

::Shrieks::

Fat Blog- Day 205

2008-07-23T22:13:00.004-04:00

Something about a "round" number feels like a new beginning. I'm slightly cheered whenever my days end in zero or five. I can't really add, subtract or divide. I don't know how to get a percentage. So I don't follow numerology; I would suck at it about as much as I suck at making healthy food choices.

Today I had a muffie. It's more G-Rated than it sounds. It's kind of a cross between a cookie and a muffin. It's made with whole wheat flour and kind of tastes like it sounds... let's leave it at that. If expecting a cookie, it's a poor choice. If expecting a muffin, it's disappointing. Thumbs down on muffies.

Fat Blog- DAY 200

2008-07-18T20:51:00.006-04:00

Day 200!!!!! I am, hold on to your knickers, 8 pounds lighter. That is more than a bag and a half of sugar less of me. I should have lost more but, alas, I still eat like a cow... so I am lucky I'm not bigger. I ate like a cow tonight. A cow that gets made fun of by all the skinnier, healthy cows.

I'd like to share that I spent all day trying to come up with a politically offensive F.E.M.A reference to describe my clean-up efforts. Just take comfort in knowing that no poor people or African Americans were left to drown in my apartment. I think maybe the initial panic peeled a few weeks off my life though... can't be good for the ticker. But no one died except a 65 year old carpet.

I have spent the last 48 hours locked in epic battle with this carpet; an unfortunate victim to the mass exodus of 55 gallons of fish tank water; I guess-timate that the event took place roughly around 5:00 pm Wednesday night. I was able to remove almost all of the carpet and exposed a worn but full of potential hard wood floor.

I haven't fed the fish in a day or so... don't want to knock any other poorly installed hoses loose with my meaty fingers. I won't point fingers either... those responsible for crappy installation know who they are. I'm actually afraid to go near the tank at my current weight for fear that I will crash through wet, rotten wood and end up in the first floor apartment with a lot of explaining to do.

Friends and Family Intervention

2008-07-17T12:45:00.005-04:00

The following were my thoughts, in order from when I arrived home to my house to find 55 gallons of fish tank water on my floor to now...

[Enter living room] Why is the carpet so dark?
[first look at fish tank] Oh... My... God...
[paces in panic] Do I save the fish? Do I save the carpet... no no carpet's old? Ew, it's going to mold. Save the fish! Save the Fish! There are three other tanks: the top tank, the baby tank and the bottom tank. Net the fish and put them in the baby tank. Oh no, the big, black molly is going to eat all the babies in the baby tank. Retrieve molly. Retrieve Molly. Molly is fast. Put Molly in which tank? Top tank? No, big fish will eat molly. Will anything in the bottom tank eat the molly? Will the gentleman friend miss the molly? How much do mollies cost? How long can fish breathe out of water? Put molly in bottom tank. Towels, I need more towels. Do I own more towels? Geez, I have crappy towels. Tell the cousin, who lives downstairs, to evacuate his treasures from his living room. Water travels down. I cannot account for all 55 gallons in my carpet. Is he home? Get more towels, check outside; I hear dogs barking. Stick fans, stick fans...how many fans do we have in the house? I have to tell the gentleman friend. Email! Email!
Kill the gentleman friend... ki-i-ill him. I am totally going to keep the 32 inch TV.
[By now totally demoralized] how am I going to get all this water up?
[phone rings; it's brother] No, I did, in fact, not know that cousin's apartment was trashed. How did brother know this? Of course, my mother had already called him but who told her? Ah, cousin called her. But how did he not know before now. He had probably just gotten home when I warned him. I must have looked like a crazy person tearing towels off the clothes line in my pink underwear and taekwondo tee. Go downstairs, assess the carnage. First, find pants.
Ki-i-ill .... kill dead.
[goes to bed] Ki-i-ll.... ki-i-ill.
[wakes up] It really did happen; my living room is still a swamp. Why did I just have a dream about waiting tables?
[parents arrive to assess damage] relief. Dad and Anthony are taking care of the tank. I'm taking care of the carpet. We have a plan. Email the gentleman friend and call off the hit on him.

My family has intervened and helped me fashion a plan to reverse the fish-distastrophe (thank you Ryan V for the pearl ) and provided much needed comic relief.

Ha Ha, without really meaning to all of my friends and family have been feeding me lines, both designed to reassure and cheer me, to tell my gentleman friend about why he is missing 55 gallons of fish. These are the best of the best of the best...

Fool's Proof
The fish. Weren't they with you?

War Metaphor
You see, gentleman friend, the fish tanks were like Iraq; a big problem from the start because it was based on lies. You said there would be only one tank and soon there were four. It then became a resource drain and worse it broke down relations with our co-inhabitants. So we had to pull out. It's over, man, over.

El Nino
There was this sudden flash tornado. Sucked up the fish.
It was a flood. Took everything.

It wasn't me, it was...
...your crappy water pump rig.
...a burglar. Only after fish. It's actually quite common.
...you.

The Fish are off to...
... fish boarding school.
... to pursue t.b research.
...hang out with your dad.
...heaven, with the angels and your knife fish.
...be eaten by bigger fish

Catholic Martyr Excuse
It's not fair that you went away to do research and left me with all your things! *follow closely with tears*

Fat Blog- Day 198

2008-07-16T22:49:00.006-04:00

How many calories does panic burn?

My gentleman friend has been out of the country for 6 weeks. In my care when he left was 125 gallons of tropical fish, two cats (one is blind and mentally slow; the other is brave...very brave) and a rat who has been in hospice care for the past 3 weeks. Keep in mind, please, that when he is here he is a graduate student with much free time on his hands to care for his wild kingdom. I, the head of household, work a demanding full time job. It's fine with me, when he's actually in the country. When he leaves... the house falls apart and I'm both unwilling and unhandy... so, quite frankly, even if I was willing I'd be useless.

My gentleman friend, in the absence of the proper fasteners, directions and hardware, will always try to fashion his own brand of a workable replacement. He is like a makeshift artist, but not a very good one. He nailed our air conditioner into the window of our Bronx apartment. When running wires his only concern is "does his arrangement make the electronics work"; he laughs in the face of function, safety and aesthetics. However, his work with his fish tank water pump is now by far my favorite.

Nicole came home today to find that 55 gallons worth of tropical fish had been pumped onto her floor. After securing the area [ aka: flailing wildly, netting whatever moved and transferring them to other tanks ], I conducted a thorough investigation. I found the water pump on the floor behind the tank with its hose still full of water. I looked for the hardware that was supposed to be attaching said hose to said tank and there was none. I interrogated the witness [ aka: cornered my brother and asked him if he remembered how the water pump was secured ] and established that, despite his geographical handicap, my gentleman friend was certainly at fault for this disaster. YOU CAN'T FAKE SECURING A WATER PUMP.

So...correction: In my care are 70 gallons of tropical fish, two cats (one is blind and mentally slow; the other is brave...very brave) and a rat who has been in hospice care for the past 3 weeks.

This is the tally of fault, blame and other such unpleasantnesses that has accrued since the gentleman friend's departure:

Nicole's List of Blame

Failed to understand the broken filter and killed the knife fish.
Had the nerve to be out of the house when the water pump decided to destroy lives.
Lost the cat (but did also find the cat)

Gentleman Friend's List of Blame

Left me with a broken fish tank filter
Failed to secure his water pump correctly which resulted in 55 gallons of water on my floor.
Did not train the cat to come when called. Only trained them to fear punishment

Fat Blog- Day 197

2008-07-15T22:09:00.004-04:00

BRUCE THE EXPLORER
(he's really quite tired)

So, I have been logging my daily food journal into my account at Calorie Count Plus, a great website if you're counting calories and you're like me, incapable of consistently handwriting my food journal in one place (I have dozens of journals that document years and years of my manic diet starts and stops). The only place I am confidant that I will end up is my desk chair, at my computer. So, it works well for me. It is also, free; which, I enjoy. I will reserve my blog for priceless pearls of wisdom.

I seem to be out of pearls of wisdom for today. I have vowed to spend three hours a day (for my entire vacation) at my taekwondo school... moving my fat ass.

I do have an excellent update. I captured my escaped, indoor-cat who was hard at work mapping the subterranean tunnels under my neighbors' porches. Laughing in the face of trespassing laws and privacy etiquette, I could be found at 2:00 a.m with my ass hanging out from under my neighbors' stairs and my hair catching all manner of spider webs; not one of my most glamorous moments. Luckily, everyone was asleep; I didn't want to have to explain myself. Eventually, I dragged Bruce out by the scruff of his neck and hauled him, scratching and spitting, up the stairs. I got a nasty little gash on my arm from his back claws which I am happy to report, work just fine. Despite his initial protests, Bruce is thrilled to be home. Whenever I am around he is sprawled nearby, mewing. He's been obnoxiously vocal.

Fat Blog- Day 193

2008-07-11T10:46:00.003-04:00

My cat escaped! I locked my door on my way out for work and swung it shut but it never latched. This allowed Bruce the Explorer to escape into the hallway and eventually sneak outside. I caught a glimpse of him at 4:00 am this morning. He took one look at me and sprinted across two neighbors' yards before I could even get down the stairs. I hate that cat. When I do catch him, I am going to end him. A brief snuggle of relief... then death.

One more day before vacation... I'm up one pants size. I hate life. I eat too much.

Fat Blog- Day 192

2008-07-09T15:42:00.003-04:00

Ugh. I need a vacation. Two more days!!

B: smart start cereal 190 cal, turkey-sausage/egg white sandwich 280 cal, blueberries 220 cal and skim milk 70 cal
L: slenderize juice 5 cal, baby spinach, bacos, whole wheat croutons, feta and grilled chicken salad 215 cal, rice pudding 70 cal
D: Muttar paneer, chickpeas and rice 320 cal, wheat bread 120 cal and rice pudding 210 cal
Exercise: 60 min cardio + 500

Fat Blog- Day 178

2008-06-30T09:04:00.002-04:00

Sigh. My goal is to stop eating so damn much. Seems simple enough. Wish I could get it together.

Fat Blog- Day 174

2008-06-26T00:18:00.002-04:00

I have embarked on the ultimate re-filing project of a lifetime. On my never ending quest to be super-organizer-extraordinary, I began filing at 2:00 and spend almost 5 hours trying to make sense of my work related paperwork. I will spend another several hours doing much of the same tomorrow. I shall emerge super-efficient, super-prepared and super-super... just in time to go on vacation. If I can manage to stay organized for two weeks on my own before catapulting back into disarray then I am vacationing for the next two weeks. Organization will stay organization for a whole month... a personal record.

Hopefully, I will also manage to stay out of Arch Street Tavern; which is conveniently located within walking distance of my office. The mac and cheese is the antithesis of healthy food choice.

Breakfast: Kellogg bar 90 cal
Lunch: mac and cheese 900?
Exercise: swimming 90 min +600
Dinner: egg roll 240 cal, pepsi 120 cal and chinese chicken 650 cal

Fat Blog Day 173

2008-06-25T09:29:00.002-04:00

Ouch! While sparring, I took an elbow to what feels like a pretty important tendon in my left leg. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. Immediate sharp pain, followed by lingering solid pain, followed by icing and the Tila Tequila reunion, followed by sleep and now... ouch, still.

Hamster is being treated for her brain damage with an anti-inflammatory med. Hopefully it will piece back together my broken little rat and we can get that gi-normous tumor removed from her belly. Totally over-did the cals today.

Breakfast: smart start and 1% milk 300 cal
Lunch: Almond latte 240 cal
Dinner: Buffalo Chicken sub 1200 cal?
Pirate Booty 200 cal
Exercise:60 min tae kwon do +500
Snack: 2 tootsie pops 120 cal

Fat Blog- Day 172

2008-06-23T21:04:00.002-04:00

Blah. Blah, I say.

Breakfast: slim fast 170 cal
Lunch: Lean Cuisine Basil Chicken 280 cal
Snack: Snack bar 90 cal
Exercise: 60 min taekwondo +300 cal
Dinner: Vanilla Nut cereal w/ 1%milk 335 cal, fiesta chicken 250 cal, 2 tootsie pops 120 cal

Fat Blog- Day 169

2008-06-20T13:44:00.003-04:00

My poor rat... she has a lemon sized tumor in her abdomen. I have to decide whether or not to invest upwards of $6-700 in removing it. Hamster is almost 3 years old which, in rat years is like 70. It's incredibly sad to see her so incapacitated.

I don't know how many times today I've heard, oh, it's just a rat. Hamster is a living being, she has feelings and loves cheese...especially whole milk fresh mozzarella. I'm considering paying for the operation but it's risky because of the anesthesia. Doctors are never too sure of how much anesthesia to give "pocket pets" and it's not uncommon for them to die in surgery.

Hamster's my little buddy; she started out as a really surly little thing. We'd have to force her out of the cage. Hamster is just a great pet. She totally deserves the 6 months or year that she would have had left. With the tumor growing the way it is, she probably wouldn't make it 6 months, and it would be a miserable 6 months... for both of us.

I feel like I owe her the surgery, especially because today when I opened her cage and was preparing her slice of cheese she got excited and toppled over the side of her cage and onto the floor. It was at least a two foot drop with a 5 oz mass in her bottom half. I felt terrible for her.

So because I felt like crap I took a ride with my brother for Chinese food and ate like a fatty. One day out of the week is not so bad.

Breakfast: black coffee 5 cal, 1/2 multigrain bagel and 1/2 serving of light cream cheese 250 cal
Lunch: mac and cheese 250 cal, grilled chicken 120 cal, whole wheat toast 130 cal
Snack: mozz cheese slice 100 cal and tootsie pop 60 cal
EXERCISE: 60 minutes taekwondo +450
Dinner: 1/2 coca cola 100 cal, 1 cup gen tso chicken 650 cal, chicken 600 cal egg roll 240 cal

Fat Blog- Day 168

2008-06-19T08:44:00.002-04:00

My day started out like garbage and then turned good by mid morning. Then I got wind of a terrible situation in early afternoon, tried to mediate it, went home, processed and figured out how to make that terrible situation a slightly better situation.

Those are the highs and lows of my work; always highs and lows.

After a VERY positive morning meeting I took my nausea to the Willimantic Food Coop for lunch; I figured that there was no better way to settle my menstrual drama than some healthy, whole wheat-y goodness. I used to do most of my shopping at the coop when I lived on Chestnut Street in Willimantic; it's been a few years since I have been, mostly because it moved (like two doors down) and I thought it had closed down. Yes, I am a nincompoop The coop has since gotten new digs and is looking very healthy, very healthy indeed. Expansion for eco-friendly, justice oriented hippy business is always good news.

Goals
NO SODA: x
AM Stretching: x (eh, I will give myself credit for PM stretching)
Portion Control: x
Better food Choices: x HA! Have you ever been to the Willimantic Food Co-Op?

Breakfast: cottage cheese and strawberry goo 130 cal
Lunch: Organic Hunan Dumplings 350 cal and Mango OJ 80 cal
Snacks: Organic walnuts 250 cal tootsie pop 60 cal
Dinner: mutter paneer 325 cal pirogi 170 cal
EXERCISE: 60 min cardio + 400

Fat Blog- Day 167

2008-06-18T21:48:00.002-04:00

Had a fan-tabulous day; lots of victories and still had time to get to class. Been ve-ery worn down lately and I think it has a lot to do with all the exercising I didn't do last week... oh, and my twelve hour workdays.

Anyways, the week is winding down, already, and I am still clinging to my sanity. I remembered to feed the fish!

My goals check(x) list:
1. NO SODA- x (subway has diet lemonade!)
2. AM Stretching- FAILED (still, just too lazy)
3. Portion control- x
4. Make better eating out choices- x (repeat, subway has diet lemonade and apple slices and baked potato chips)

Breakfast:light and fit smoothie 70 cal, smart start cereal 190 cal, 1% milk 60 cal
Lunch: apple slices 35 cal, diet lemonade 5 cal, sweet onion chicken whole wheat sub w/cheese 445 cal
Snack: tootsie pop 60 cal
EXERCISE: 120 minutes of I heart taekwondo + 600 cal
Dinner: 3 oz sirloin tip 200 cal, 2 light hot dogs 270 cal, 1/2 a cheeseburger 400 cal

Fat Blog- Day 166

2008-06-17T20:56:00.004-04:00

Day two of renewed diet fervor. I am placing myself on a 1500 calorie max, seems easier than counting point. I like easy...

My goals check(x) list:
1. NO SODA- FAILED (but it was a diet soda)
2. AM Stretching- FAILED (just too lazy)
3. Portion control- x
4. No Eating Out- FAILED (but made better choices; taco bell tacos with no cheese; I successfully fought back the strong urge for both seconds and a free mango strawberry smoothie!) I am changing this goal to healthier food choices at fast food establishments.

Breakfast: Slim Fast 170 cal
Lunch: Pierogi w/butter 500 cal
Dinner: ranchero chicken taco 230 cal and ranchero steak taco 260 cal
Snacks: tootsie pop 60 cal and blow pop 60 cal

I have 220 cal to spare and I am about to raid my fridge for something in that ball park.

Fat Blog- Day 165

2008-06-17T09:14:00.004-04:00

I am happy to report that I am only a partial failure today. I should be pleased because I fended off two potentially diet hazardous binges.

Blow pops are a binge fender offer strategy; they have the potential to entertain me longer than a candy bar because they take so long to eat...that was the strategy. They entertain me especially long when I eat half of the bag but they did curb an irrational craving to fry up some pirogi, in butter, at 11:00 pm. Nothing prepares the palate for late night pirogi binges like a half a bag of blow pops. With the help of Team Blow Pop; the pirogi lay safe in the bag for respectable dinner at 6:30 pm tomorrow eve.

Also I should get all sorts of props for re-routing my ride home today. I purposefully went a mile out of my way (despite gas prices) to avoid the taco bell on the corner of route 66. After a full day of negotiations, I wanted nothing more than a grande soft taco... or two.

My check(x) list:
1. NO SODA- x
2. AM Stretching- FAILED
3. Portion control- FAILED
4. No Eating Out- x
5. 1 Pound per week lost- -.4

Breakfast: cappuccino slim fast
Lunch: grapes 65 cal
turkey, mustard and spinach on a flax wrap 180 cal
(2) special K 90 calorie chocolate drizzle bars 180 cal
Coffee with cream and splenda (one of my committee was sweet enough to make me a coffee and she tried to poison me with cream) 60 cal (she promised me, on the life of my flat tummy, that she only put in an oz or so)
Dinner: Quorn chicken nuggets 600 cal

Oh, six or so blow pops 540 cal which in retrospect was a stupid strategy... the pirogi may have been less calories

Fat Blog- Day 164

2008-06-15T18:35:00.003-04:00

One hundred and sixty four days ago I decided to lose 25 pounds. Well, here I am, one hundred and sixty four days later, at 7 pounds lost. Actually, let's be fair, around March I had lost 16 pounds; I was well on my way to hotness. But somewhere around going 3 months without any vacation time I began to stress-eat; I haven't stopped stress-eating for nearly 3 months. Belly is totally back! I am totally displeased.

I have to work on my self control. I eat when I am not hungry. I loaf when I could be exercising or stretching. I eat crap; not actual crap, but close. I heart food a bit too much. I calculated the month of April and I spend close to $700.00 on food alone... just on my credit card, it didn't count all the cash I pour into coffees, fast food and other such rubbish. I can't even imagine how many calories seven hundred dollars+ can buy.

I'm re-setting my goals and staging a healthy foods initiative intervention on myself (involves brutal self flagellation, meal planning and self hatred):

1. NO SODA; only water and juice.
2. Warm bath and 15 minutes light stretching in the morning
3. Portion control
4. Less eating out; it's where I tend to make lousy food choices.
5. Lose 1 pound per week. (at that rate I will be able to peel off the 9 pounds, that I stuffed down my throat in the past nine weeks, by the end of summer; just in time for my gentleman friend to come home from Eastern Europe and start baking homemade pizzas every night. I am such an asshole!)

Welcome me back, bitches.

Fat Blog- Day 150

2008-06-01T01:21:00.002-04:00

I spent most of the day working from home; I racked up over a month's worth of work expenses to comb through and drafted an arbitration brief, muy productive.

I loaded both dishwashers and changed kittys' litter. I did take a brief trip to old navy to spend my birthday bucks and I got a hot pair of jeans from Ann Taylor Loft. I'm excited.

It's also clearly easier to eat better when my gentleman friend is not sabotaging me with homemade pizza and Chinese take out.

Turkey, spinach and cheese on whole wheat wrap, slenderize melon drink
weight watcher cookies (2)
Quorn veggie chicken nuggets (8)
weight watcher giant latte bar
Torteloni w olive oil, peas, spinach and garlic (flippin' delicious)

Fat Blog- Day 149

2008-05-30T21:33:00.003-04:00

So, my gentleman house-friend is off doing research in some eastern european, 2nd-world country. God Bless him. I have been charged with the task of maintaining his animal kingdom. While he is away, traversing the globe, I am tasked with the care of two high maintenance kittens, one spoiled rat (with a huge tumor), a 20 gallon fish tank full of baby guppies and approx 120 gallons of tropical fish. The wildlife in my apartment is certainly in for a bit of culture shock; there is a new regime in town. They will be lucky to get fed.

He didn't even unload the dishwashers before he left!!!

Today:

Breakfast: orange mango juice and hash browns
Lunch: pear, santa fe rice and beans, veggie soup and 1/2 cup of mac and cheese.

*60 minutes taekwondo

Snack: tootsie pop, red powerade (mmm... delicious electrolytes)
Dinner: mushroom and cheese torteloni, peas, spinach, red sauce with spicy hummus

Getting Fatter Blog

2008-05-29T07:23:00.001-04:00

I eat too much! I need to stop doing that. For some reason this month has resulted in a 4-5 pound weight gain. I'm super stressed. Totally exhausted and apparently really hungry.

I suck.

Fat Blog- Day 138

2008-05-19T22:45:00.002-04:00

Ok.

I'm under massive levels of stress. Work has been hell for me. I sleep restlessly and wake up exhausted. Keeping myself on the healthy food choices track is incredibly challenging when I get so much joy from delicious, fatty, fatty, fatty food. I'm done whining, for now. I still have yet to find time to put my clothes away. The clean laundry keeps piling up and getting all wrinkly.

Breakfast: French roll w/peanut butter and grape jelly
Lunch: Luna Bar/ and a sweet-salty Kellogg's snack bar
Dinner: Grilled Chicken, peas, corn and some stroganoff.
Snack: 1/2 a butter cream donut (thanks, babe, goddamn enabler) and an apple.

I'm like a weight gain-idiot-savant

2008-05-19T07:28:00.002-04:00

I gained exactly, as predicted in last night's blog, three pounds in the past two weeks.

::doing a bad rain man impersonation:: Yup, Yup according to my estimations, based on the number of cheeseburgers divided by the servings of rice pudding and subtracted from how much I did not exercise, I gained three pounds. I was correct.

I will reward myself, not with a yummy brownie from the bakery, with better results going forward!

Fat Blog- Day 137

2008-05-18T19:57:00.004-04:00

I spent the day score keeping in the 6-7 year old division of our school's annual karate tournament. In between the day of my birth and this day, the day of weapons, shouting and competition-ness, I have been totally and completely off the program. I haven't even bothered to weigh myself. I know I've put on at least three pounds. Work has me stressed to the max and I haven't even had time to fold my clothes let alone fit in extra exercise or cooking. Spending a day at a karate tournament gave a me a much needed boost of inspiration; I've been spinning my wheels.

In High School, I wasn't the least bit interested in being a star athlete. I enjoyed swimming on the team which, coincidentally, hadn't won a single meet in almost twelve years. There was never anything really at stake to me; I spent more time counseling sore losers than actually swimming. I remember losing the last swim meet of the season and all the seniors were crying because it was their last shot to win. The team captain actually stood up, despite the fact that every team member had beat their best time, to say how ashamed she was of everyone. She didn't even know most of the teams' names. Everyone got quiet and more started crying; I dried my hair and rolled my eyes. Winning a swim meet just had no relevance in my life. Some people are more graceful losers than others. I was like the Ginger Rogers of losing. I still don't care about winning swim relays. The whole experience left me with a really sour taste in my mouth about how negative competition can be.

Through the Union and in the martial arts, I've learned a thing or two about the relevance of winning. I care about making change, being involved and empowering people who want to empower people. I care about winning in the sense that winning can simply be building confidence that will improve lives and and promote human dignity. I want to build strong organizations that foster personal growth and leadership development. Martial arts helps me be a stronger leader so that I can do just that; I'm constantly training, at the studio and in the shops, to win.

It's probably why I'm so beat all the time. Back on the program; tomorrow!

Fat Blog- Day of my Birth!

2008-05-07T22:41:00.004-04:00

I want a flat tummy, for this day of my birth. So I couldn't think of a better way to spend my birthday evening then exercising. I had myself a taekwondo-extravaganza. I feel fabulous... except for my sore back and knees... and, despite how taekwondo-liscious my evening was, my tummy is not quite flat... getting close but no casting roles as Shakira's stunt double. I would like to share my special birthday shout out from Jim, who is the epitome of subtlety and political correctness, one of my fellow students of the "do".

My birthday was remarkably cake-less.

Don't send a lame Birthday eCard.
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I also had a good food day.

Breakfast: Peace Cereal with 1% milk and 1/2 cup blueberries [370 cal, 7.5 g fat, 3.5 g fiber]
Lunch: Health Choice Italian Wedding Soup [300 cal, 3 g fat, 3 g fiber]
Small bag of cheetos [160cal, 10 g fat, 1 g fiber]
Snack: powerade [ 120 ]
Dinner: (2) vegetarian cheeseburgers on whole wheat buns [550 cal, 18 g fat, 13 g fiber]
Snack: 1/2 cup blueberries [40 cal, 0 g fat, 2 g fiber]
exercise: 115 minutes assist taekwondo instruction (basically, 115 minutes where I was not eating or thinking about eating; led 15 minute warm up, demonstrated a few kicks and did lots of standing)
60 minutes intermediate/advanced taekwondo

Fat Blog: Day 123

2008-05-03T16:15:00.005-04:00

I squeezed my ass into a size 7. It wasn't a great fit (a grown woman shopping in the juniors department surrounded by giggling pre-teens shouldn't expect it to be) but it didn't look awful. I have never been a size 7 in my life, except maybe as a young child...a very young child. It's quite an accomplishment.

I bought a brick of Manchego cheese. Vegetarian Times recommended it for a Mexican omelet recipe that I plan to try this week. Today was a whole slew of "firsts":

The first time...
... in my adult life that I fit in a size 7
... I spent over ten dollars on a brick of cheese...absolutely criminal.
... I was disappointed by "the pitt" at Bob's Discount Furniture.

Also, I discovered store that is willing to give me cold hard cash for the clothes that I purchased at a used clothing store, wore once and intended to donate back to the Goodwill that I got them from. Re-recycled clothing; my compulsive clothes shopping is becoming more environmentally conscious; I'm going green!

Breakfast: banana [121 cal, .5 g fat, 3.5 g fiber]
Lunch: slim fast [190 cal, 6 g fat, 5 g fiber]
Snack: quinoa bread, turkey and cheese [260 cal, 6 g fat, 3 g fiber]
Dinner: Bread bowl and chicken chili [630 cal, 11.5 g fat, 7 g fiber]
Snack: 1 cup cotton candy [120 cal]
1/2 a slice of cheesecake [200 cal, 18 g fat, 0 fiber]
exercise: walking around two malls; power-shopping, my new sport.

Fat Blog: Day 122

2008-05-02T21:55:00.002-04:00

I had planned to make orange lacquered tofu, another potential winning recipe from Vegetarian Times, but I ended up going out and ordering general tso's chicken with Keri, who tied me to a chair and force fed me the fried goodness. I am sticking to that story.

I did great all week, actually. There is totally something to this meal planning thing. I plan to plan it all out again for next week. Grand, grand plans...

But that wasn't the worst part. The worse part is that I had an awful, stressful, emotionally taxing day that concluded with a large Dove chocolate bar, naturally. I'm done cycling, however, so the chocolate splurges will be kept under control until next month, stupid ovaries.

Breakfast: egg white, spinach and feta omelet; yogurt, strawberries, honey and walnuts (the Greeks have it right)
Lunch: Turkey cubes, baby spinach, peppers, cucumbers and 1/4 cup pesto pasta salad
Dinner: general tso chicken, egg roll and fried rice ( I know, I suck )
Snack: large Dove chocolate bar ( I deserved it! )

Fat Blog- Day 121

2008-05-01T21:30:00.003-04:00

I got a bangin' fortune in my fortune cookie the other day. It said, "Good clothes open many doors. Go shopping." Yes, please. It also laid out my lucky numbers and told me how to say and write ORANGE in Chinese. Very useful.

I picked up a loaf of bread made from quinoa and it is delicious. I think quinoa is campaigning for the coveted position of Nicole's Favorite grain. Wheat is the current title-holder; yet, quinoa is unimpressed by the competition and after tasting quinoa's bread, I am too.

Planing out my week of meals is working well for me. I've not effed up at all this week, diet-wise. I think that as long as I can grocery shop for fresh food on Sunday night, I will have food that I am excited about all week. This will result in less trips to the Chinese restaurant and a flatter, and therefore hotter, ab-ular area.

Breakfast: Egg whites, spinach, feta, soy bacon, black coffee, 1/2 a grapefruit and potato pancake [362 cal, 10.7 g fat, 4 g fiber]
Lunch: sausage and chicken gumbo, two slice quinoa toast [340 cal, 6 g fat, 6 g fiber]
Snack: banana [121 cal, .5 g fat, 3.5 g fiber]
Dinner: 1 slice cheese pizza [420 cal, 8 g fat, 1 g fiber]
Exercise: 60 minutes cardio

Fat Blog- Day 120

2008-04-30T21:49:00.003-04:00

My days are fairly sedentary; therefore, my calorie calculator says that I burn about 1800 calories per day, doing what I do best... nothing. If I'm shooting for under 1800 calories(to create a deficit) then I've been at goal all week. I think I've bitched about the fact that in order to lose a single pound, I have to create a 500 calorie deficit every day of the week. If I haven't bitched about it before, I am now. bitch. bitch. bitch. Seriously, 500 calories are a lot of calories.

What's more cruel is that the less I weigh, the less calories I am able to consume while keeping my days how I like them: sedentary.

Breakfast: Grilled French Roll w/Almond butter and OJ [450 cal, 17.5 g fat, 5 g fiber]
Lunch: "Summery Salad" diced apple, celery, walnuts, feta, olive oil and OJ [559 cal, 41 g fat, 10 g fiber]
Snack: powerade [150 cal]
Dinner: Veggie Burger with Spinach on whole wheat bun [260 cal, 9 g fat, 6.5 g fiber]
5 Soy Chicken Nuggets [300 cal, 10 g fat, 3 g fiber]
Exercise: 90 minutes tae kwon do

Death by Celery Consumption?

2008-04-30T13:23:00.005-04:00

Did you know that it actually takes more calories to digest celery than celery provides to the body? That means, for the mathematically incompetent, that on a diet of only celery, you'd very, very, very slowly starve to death; it may actually take years. Hardly sounds like a good plan. According to my celery package, a serving of celery packs a total of 19 calories and 2 grams of dietary fiber. So, I slathered it with peanut butter... just to be safe.

Celery now ranks on my list of Things to do if you want to develop an Eating Disorder

1. Have a Subscription to Teen People.
2. Watch/record America's Next Top Model
3. Eat only Celery
4. Make too many friends that are way hotter than you (you can have one or two)
5. Shop at Abercrombie and Fitch or Hollister